Raise Your Children to Be Happy

A while ago I wrote about happiness for the first time on our blog. In that article I explained that you can learn to be happy. And there is no better stage for learning than childhood, which is why, as a mother, I think it is very important to teach my children to be happy, just as I teach them to obey, to be respectful… I also believe I owe it to them to help them learn to be happy.

When faced with the question what do you want your child to be when they grow up?, my answer is clear:

I want them to be happy!

But this answer has not always been the same; a few years ago I might have answered that I wanted them to be doctors or architects for example…

And this change in my answer has not been easy. We all want our children to be successful, and many times we even project onto them what we ourselves could not do, and in that moment we are forgetting the most important thing: that whatever they become, if they are not happy it will be of no use.

We must not confuse our children's happiness with giving them everything they want; it has nothing to do with that: Happiness is NOT being happy when things go the way I want, it is being able to be happy also when things do NOT go the way I want. What matters is not what happens to me, it is how I react to the things that happen to me. Being happy is a decision, I decide to be happy when I adopt a positive attitude toward what happens on my path. When faced with a difficulty, I decide whether to cry and complain or to confront it. And this is what we must teach our children: being happy does not depend on what I have (money, a house, a good job,…), it depends on the attitude I take, on my ability to value what I have, to feel good about myself, to face difficulties, to have confidence in myself…

So educating our children to be happy is not going to be so simple. I have tried to summarize it all in a series of steps to follow, I hope they are useful to you:

8 keys to fostering happiness in our children

1. Saying thank you

All parents, at some point, have used the phrase: what do you say? when someone has given something to our child and they automatically respond: thank you. But this is not the only thing we must teach our child; when I say to say thank you, I mean being grateful, valuing what we have at every moment.

Gratitude has been defined as a strength within Positive Psychology. In a study, Seligman (Park, Peterson y Seligman (2004)) created a classification of 6 virtues, each in turn composed of 24 strengths, and how these foster emotional well-being. Seligman says that a person has the strength of gratitude when they “are aware of the good things that happen to them and never take them for granted. They always take time to express their gratitude”. People who have the habit of being grateful for the things that happen to them in life are healthier, more optimistic and happier.

That said, I think you can already see the importance of teaching our children to be grateful for what they have, for everything that happens to them, from having eyes to see to the new toys on their birthday. (from something so basic to material things as well).

Not being grateful for what you have is like not having it.

When I get into the habit of often being grateful for what I have or what happens to me, I accustom my mind to focus on the good things, to focus on what I do have and not on what I am missing.

#### How can we do it?

- By being grateful for things out loud ourselves as a routine, to make them see that every day there are good things that happen to us and to which we pay no attention. How lucky we were to be able to come to the park today.

- By telling them some story that talks about gratitude. In particular, there is a story I love that explains this concept very well: El hada de la suerte from the book DE MAYOR QUIERO SER FELIZ by Anna Morato García. A book that everyone should have at home.

- At night, when putting them to bed, we can be grateful for three things that happened to us that day: Today I am very happy because I saw a friend at the park etc… We can start ourselves to give them examples and we should start the sentence like this: Today I am very happy because…

2. Being positive

The environment we offer our children will greatly influence them. An environment in which negative things that happen are not dramatized with phrases like: “something always happens to ruin things for us”, “you can't have a good time in this house because there is always something that spoils it”, etc… in response to misbehavior by the children or a change of plans or any other obstacle. This type of language will make them feel as if everything bad happens in their home.

I always say, every good side has its bad side; they are two faces of the same coin. If I constantly focus on the bad side it is very difficult to be an optimist. That is why the way we talk to our children will convey to them a biased version of things, if I always speak to them highlighting the negative and don't usually highlight the positive, I only show them one face of the coin, the worst one.

3. Do not label or use negative language

Use positive language toward your children, avoid offending them when they do something wrong. If I say to them “are you stupid or what?” when they have made a mistake, I label them, I offend them and I discourage them from trying to improve.

It is not the same to say “you are bad” as to say “what you did is wrong”. The first sentence focuses the fault on the child, the second focuses it on the behavior. The first conveys that there is nothing to be done because someone who is bad can hardly do good things, the second conveys that next time they will be able to do it better because now they know that it is wrong.

When I put a label on my child, I limit them, I take away the possibility of change and, worst of all, I hurt them.

Therefore, as far as possible, avoid using phrases like “you are stupid” “you can't do anything right” “are you useless or what” etc…

And if it ever slips out, we can always apologize to them.

4. Foster their self-esteem

As parents, we know our children well. Their virtues, their flaws, their differences with their siblings, their strengths and their weaknesses too. All this information can help us enhance their talents. Show them what they are good at. Let them know how proud you are of them. As for their weaknesses, teach them that you cannot be good at everything, that each person is good at some things and not so good at others, and that this is normal.

Fostering good self-esteem is essential for the healthy emotional development of our children. As this is a very broad topic, here I leave you a link to an article that talks at length about this.

Remember to teach your child to love themselves. To value themselves and also to accept their weaknesses as something normal.

A story we highly recommend at our Center, which works on self-esteem especially by explaining that one person is good at some things and another at others, is (Anna Llenas, Te quiero casi siempre)

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See on Amazon](https://www.amazon.es/quiero-siempre-Otros-libros-formato/dp/8467043709/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&qid=1541025051&sr=8-1&keywords=te+quiero+casi+siempre+anna+llenas&linkCode=sl1&tag=elteuespai-21&linkId=997c5777e02a0cf323d36f2f888ff509&language=es_ES)

5. Foster their autonomy

You will agree with me that the feeling we get when we achieve something on our own is priceless. It makes us feel good, capable and proud. That is why it is so important that we foster our children's autonomy, because autonomy is the engine of self-esteem.

Let your children do things for themselves, do nothing for them that they can do on their own. Encourage them to surpass themselves, to do it alone and do not reprimand them for their mistakes. Mistakes are the basis of all learning and they must be normalized.

To do this, we must begin to give them certain responsibilities at home, appropriate to their age, so that they gradually practice being more autonomous.

Also let them make small decisions at home, perhaps that some day they choose dinner for the whole family or the dessert, something simple that you can leave in their hands. They should not decide the family finances, that is not the idea, nor decide absolutely everything either. It is rather about them feeling, from time to time, that their opinion is taken into account and that they can even decide small things.

6. Teach them to say NO

Developing assertiveness is fundamental to our personal well-being. Assertiveness is the ability to defend one's own rights without aggressing or being aggressed against. There are thousands of adults who never learned to say NO.

Behind that fear we feel about saying no lies the real fear, which is that others will not accept us. We have a great need to be accepted and this is especially relevant in childhood and adolescence because in these stages the SELF is being built. Knowing who I am and what defines me is not an easy process.

Knowing how to say no is an important way of taking care of oneself. Protect your rights and your needs. It is also a good preventer of sexual abuse. A child who knows how to say no to what they do not like will be more able to say no to an abuser than a child who does not have this ability to begin with.

That is why, many times when our child does not want to give their grandfather or grandmother a kiss, we must respect that choice; we must not use emotional blackmail or force the child to give it. We must convey to them that they are the owner of their own body and that they can say no if they do not feel like it at that moment. They can give a kiss another day. With small actions like this is how we teach our children to say no.

The ability to say “no” is part of the developmental process and is acquired between a year and a half and two years of age, even though the child does not express it verbally, and it becomes conscious at three years old. In the preschool stage there is a tendency to say “no” to everything, the oppositional stage, which repeats between ages 10 and 14 —in preadolescence—, to demonstrate that they have their own personality, but it is a normal ‘negativism’ that seeks to mark a difference.

Respecting their opinion and listening to it does not mean that every time they say NO to something, you are going to grant it to them. Imagine they tell you that today they don't want to go to school… the first thing is to ask why… whether they feel unwell or have a fever, whether they are tired or there is a classmate who bothers them. Listen and assess whether it is important enough not to go (fever) or whether it is a difficulty they have to face (a child who bothers them in class) etc…

It is about valuing the fact that they give us their opinion, frequently inviting them to do so, listening to them and deciding whether or not to heed their refusal. But above all fostering the right to give our opinions at home for all members of the family, the right to say no and to express it in an assertive (not aggressive) way.

I leave you a video of a story that talks about saying yes and saying no; as you will see, the act of saying no is very closely related to the prevention of sexual abuse:

[video width="640" height="480" mp4="/images/blog/2018/10/decir-si-decir-no-480p_25fps_H264-128kbit_AAC.mp4"][/video]

7. Tolerance for frustration

What happens when things go wrong? How do I face problems?

We psychologists always talk about low tolerance for frustration, because it is a very common trait in childhood, since learning to tolerate frustration is part of the developmental process. I think it is one of the greatest lessons learned in childhood and that we must help them learn that things do not always turn out the way one wants or plans, that many times we will not be able to do what we want or life will give us a slap. So what do we do with all those negative emotions we feel? Children usually express it in the form of tantrums that they will gradually learn to control. If good learning takes place, as an adult they will tolerate stressful situations and adverse situations well.

#### How can we help them in this learning?

Tantrums: let it pass, ignoring their behavior if possible, making sure they do not hurt themselves; if you are in the middle of the street and don't want everyone to look at you, hold them firmly but without aggression and take them home to finish the tantrum there. When you see it begin to subside and they are calming down, approach and offer them a hug, if they accept it then they are ready to listen. Then tell them: I understand that you are angry because you wanted to stay at the park and I said no, but this way we will have time to read a story calmly at home. What have I done? I have named their emotion and given them an explanation, I have hugged them because after the bad moment of the tantrum they need something positive and I have proposed an alternative activity (a story at home). Tantrums are frustration; they appear when something does not go their way or when we say no to something. They are normal roughly between ages 2 and 6 and are part of learning to tolerate frustration.

Stories: Use stories that talk about anger and other emotions to help them manage them better. And when they are too old for stories, tell them stories from your past, about some time when you didn't get something and were so angry, how you overcame it and how now you see that in the end it wasn't that serious.

Set limits. Limits are important for many reasons (but I am not going to go into them). When I set rules at home, I teach them that not everything goes, there are things we must respect. We are also helping them manage the frustration of receiving a no for an answer.

If you want to delve deeper into the topic of limits, I recommend this article from our blog: Two reasons to set limits for our children and how to set the right ones.

8. Self-confidence

Childhood is a stage full of new learning, therefore children are constantly facing new challenges, they need to feel safe and confident to have the strength necessary to face them.

I always say that the confidence you have in your children ends up becoming the confidence they will have in themselves. If we convey that we believe in them it is much easier for them to learn to believe in themselves.

We must encourage them to reach the small achievements that will make them feel that they really can.

Acquiring new skills and doing new learning will always require perseverance; it is very difficult for something new to turn out well on the first try. We must explain this to our children, tell them that when we learned to ride a bike we also fell at the beginning, but that little by little you manage to keep your balance, encouraging them to try again, without pressure.

Those of you who have more than one child probably know that not all of them achieve things at the same time; there are children who take longer than others to learn something. For those who take longer, it is important that we do not make comparisons with their brother or sister, that we respect their learning paces, that we motivate them to keep trying and that we reinforce their efforts. Giving more importance to the effort than to the achievement itself.

When they make a mistake, criticize the behavior and never the person. Normalize mistakes because without them there is no learning. Explain to them that we all make a thousand mistakes before doing something well.

Conclusions

Raising happy children should be a clear goal of all parents and for that we must understand what it means.

Raising happy children is not giving them everything they want (nothing could be further from the truth) it is teaching them to deal with frustration, to be happy even when things do not go the way one wants, to manage anger, to value what we have, to take care of ourselves, to know how to say no. It is also having small goals and dreams and the confidence necessary to pursue and achieve them.

I cannot think of anything better to give my children, although I understand that it is not always easy to do it well. I hope this article helps us to achieve it :)