2 reasons to set limits for our children and how to set the right ones

1. Limits provide security

Setting limits is essential so that children can predict their environment. I don't know if you have ever noticed, but children love routine; it gives them security to know what is going to happen at each moment. They tend to repeat the same cartoons or the same songs over and over again, they want you to always read them the same story…

All of this responds to their need to predict their environment, which is why limits are essential: they give them security, they tell them what is right and what is wrong and, most importantly, they describe how they should behave, what they should do at each moment. I can't imagine anything more secure than knowing how we should act in each situation.

A child who grows up without limits grows up without security, does not know what to do, and is then forced to invent their own rules, which is worse than not having any.

2. They help them behave well

Limits show them how they should act, therefore they have a greater probability of behaving well. When a child behaves well they usually receive more praise from those around them, and this will greatly help the creation of good self-esteem.

If no one guides a child in their behavior, they will make many more mistakes and will grow up in the insecurity of not knowing which conduct is the appropriate one, receiving more negative than positive reinforcement.

That is why it is important to set limits from the start.

What should limits be like?

#### Better few

If I set many limits, I will probably forget more than one and it will be hard to be consistent in enforcing them. It is better to have few and be able to enforce them all.

#### Very clear

We must make sure they understand them. We cannot give very long explanations or use inappropriate language. We must take into account our children's age and see to what extent they are going to understand what I tell them. Here it is good to apply the rule of 10: no more than 10 words, no more than 10 seconds; this is the maximum time our child is going to give us their attention.

#### Realistic

Adapted to the child's age and to their developmental stage. We cannot set limits that our child will hardly be able to meet because they don't understand them or because they aren't appropriate for their age.

#### Coherent

A NO is always a no. We must be coherent with what we tell them. It cannot be that one day they can't jump on the sofa and another day, because we are more tired, we let them jump happily. We must be firm; they will probably put that limit to the test and we must be prepared for the confrontation. Often, we parents avoid setting limits out of fear of conflict, but it is necessary, it is our responsibility.

#### Consistent and agreed upon

All the adults involved in the child's education must agree on the limits and always set the same ones. If there is any limit we do not agree on, we must reach a consensus about it before setting it.

#### Firm

When we set a limit we must be firm in enforcing it. We should not set a limit and let it go unenforced at some point. Therefore, when they break a limit they must have a consequence.

The true importance of limits:

The limits we are going to set for our children will define, to a great extent, our family's profile. They must be consistent with the idea we have of what good behavior is and, above all, of what we expect from our children. That is why each family is going to have to define their own limits very well, based on what is important to them: respect, good behavior, responsibilities, sincerity, autonomy, nutrition, school, …

Through limits, we are going to tell them which path we expect them to follow; through limits, we are going to transmit to them the values that will guide their conduct in the future. And it is for this reason that a limit is important, because it is the tool with which I carve out their path. So it must be chosen well and time must be devoted to it. We parents must talk, define and reach a consensus on the limits we will set, and not let a limit be a response to a moment of anger over bad behavior. We must avoid setting limits while angry and without thinking.

In addition, limits will grow along with our children: in early childhood they will be more related to their physical integrity (that they don't hurt themselves, that they don't cross the road,,,), to nutrition (introducing new foods), to the creation of habits (sleep, schedules, school). In later childhood they will mature and will be more related to respect (toward parents, teachers and other adults..), good behavior, responsibilities… And Adolescence will be more marked by respecting the time to come home, letting us know if they are going to be late, helping with household chores, sincerity,…