Discover the most common mistakes we make when choosing a partner

We have all heard phrases like: “love is blind”, “in matters of love there is no choice”, “Love comes when it comes”… and there is some truth in them, often we do not decide either when we fall in love or with whom. But love alone is not enough to choose a partner, although it is necessary. We need something more; we must not forget that we are choosing someone who will probably spend the rest of their life with us, or at least a long period of time, and with whom we will share the most important moments of our life.

But most of the time, we do not consider this; we simply let ourselves be carried away by our feelings. As happened to María, who met Luis in the midst of adolescence and, although at first she did not pay him much attention, after his intense insistence she left her partner and they began a long relationship. At first he was very distrustful and she believed she had to prove her love to him so that he would feel calmer. She thought, in the end, he will trust me. But time went by and she stopped wearing short skirts, stopped going out to dinner at Christmas with her colleagues, stopped wearing makeup… and everything stayed the same. Distrust and jealousy were a constant in their relationship. She got used to living like this; after all, it was not so important to wear a skirt or trousers and the Christmas dinners were a drag. The years passed and she dreamed of her wedding, dreamed that he would propose on bended knee or in Paris. But the reality was quite different: he had never been thoughtful and she settled for a very ordinary proposal. On the honeymoon she thought about divorce for the first time, but inertia or love made her carry on. The desire to be a mother came to her strongly and by surprise, but he did not even want to hear about having a child. She waited patiently and thought: “he will surely change”. After 5 years she became pregnant and, although it was a mutual decision, she soon felt alone and overwhelmed. When her baby was 3 months old she got divorced.

This story could be ours. Seen this way, it was a foretold divorce, but it is not always so clear, especially when you are the protagonist of the story.

The 9 most common mistakes we make when choosing a partner

1. Believing that love is enough

Loving each other is not enough. It is clear that without love no relationship is possible, but if the only thing that binds me to someone is love and everything else does not fulfill me, something is wrong. If my relationship is full of conflicts, fights and bad moments, if the bad outweighs the good and if it makes me cry more than laugh, it is a relationship doomed to failure, and no matter how much love there is, it is not viable.

2. I'll change you later

Choosing a partner is something very special; it is choosing someone above the rest because they are special to you. But if you choose them thinking: “I'll change them later” you are making a serious mistake. First because they are not the chosen one, in the strongest sense of the word, and second because you are not going to change them.

3. I'll be your savior

Starting a relationship with someone in order to be their teacher or their savior. I will make you stop partying and drinking, I will keep you away from drugs or lead you toward a good life. No one should save anyone in a loving relationship.

4. Letting yourself be carried away by the desire to be a father or mother

Sometimes the urgency to start a family and have children hides an uncontrollable desire to be a father or mother. I have even heard phrases like: “I have a child with him and then if we get divorced it doesn't matter, at least I'm already a mother”. We should never get involved in a relationship solely out of the desire to be parents.

5. Neither with you nor without you

These are relationships that are kept on stand-by. They do not want to stay with their partner but they do not dare to take the step. They get stuck in a comfortable routine out of fear of separating. There are couples who can stay like this for years. When they are together it is unbearable but neither one takes the step and they remain hooked in an escalation of distress that increases over time.

6. Pretending to be what you are not when you are with your partner

When you feel that if you show yourself as you really are, your partner will not like you. How long are you going to keep up the pretense? Being with someone who makes you feel this way is not very healthy and your self-esteem is at risk. You can find yourself caught up in a toxic relationship without even realizing it.

7. Believing that even if your life plans are not the same, they will change

When the other person does not believe in marriage or in having children and you do. You know it but you think: “I'll make them change” or ”that's what they think now but they'll mature”. If the essential life plans do not match, problems will arise.

8. Forgetting that what starts badly ends badly

A love story whose beginnings are already stormy has a high probability of remaining a complicated relationship and ending in litigation. If we have not been able to be happy even at the start when everything is wonderful and pheromones drive us crazy, we will hardly achieve it later on.

9. Being addicted to living in a relationship

If you have found yourself caught up in toxic relationships more than once, or you have not been able to end a stormy relationship and you have a fear of being alone, perhaps you are placing too much value on living in a relationship. To be happy with someone, you must first be able to be happy on your own. The fear of ending up alone in life drags many people into stormy relationships over and over again throughout their history.