How to Know if Your Relationship Is a Toxic Relationship

At School they usually explain something about sexual relationships, and even about what marriage entails, its rights and its duties. But absolutely no one explains anything to you about interpersonal relationships, about sexual-affective bonds, about romantic relationships…What should we expect from our partner? What is right and what is wrong in a love relationship?

Gender-based violence is a reality in our society and the concern about the prevalence of this phenomenon among our adolescents is clear; you only have to look at the ads aimed at this group that are now appearing on TV. It is a fact that 21st-century adolescents continue to suffer physical and/or psychological abuse. Perhaps we should make an effort to provide adequate education about what is and what is not a healthy romantic relationship?

Fortunately, there has been a great deal of scientific research on romantic relationships in recent decades, which has allowed us to learn more about toxic relationships.

Warning signs that may lead you to suspect that your relationship is toxic:

It does not make you happy nor does it let you grow as a person.

A relationship that makes you cry more often than it makes you laugh is probably a relationship that does not let you grow as a person. It is clear that no one gives you happiness; you yourself are the one who must find it, but a romantic relationship should bring joy and foster your own happiness. Your personal growth is a fundamental pillar of your happiness, and a romantic relationship should always foster the growth of both members, not clip your wings. It should give you the support you need to help you grow; it should be one of the pillars on which to support your growth.

Relationships ruled by emotional blackmail

When one of the members of the couple constantly uses emotional blackmail to get the other person to do exactly what he or she wants. A healthy relationship should be based on the individual freedom of each person. This blackmail should not be used for one's own benefit. These are relationships in which the same member of the couple always loses out.

Relationships of exclusivity

Your partner should not decide who you go out for a drink with or who you can relate to. A healthy relationship will respect your friendships and your family and will foster your relationships with them if it knows that this makes you happy. If since you started that relationship you have stopped going out with your friends and relating to your family, something may not be going well. While it is true that at the beginning of a relationship you always set aside other relationships more, this should not last over time, and much less be due to coercion by the other member of the couple.

They are usually people who frequently criticize your friends and family, who do not approve of you meeting up with them or calling them, who want you exclusively for themselves; that should not be confused with love, it is more a desire for possession.

Energy vampires

They are people who need your energy to live. You feel that you start the day with a lot of enthusiasm, renewed strength and optimism, and they gradually drain you of that energy; you notice how that relationship wears you down and your vitality diminishes. They are usually pessimistic people who do not put any enthusiasm into things and use your energy to feed themselves. In the end you feel that you have no strength left. They are people who constantly use victimhood and complaints and then do nothing to change what they do not like.

Relationships that use guilt

There are constant reproaches about past events that it seems you constantly have to make up for. No matter what you do, it is never enough to erase the mistake you made a long time ago.

In addition, you are always to blame for your arguments and for their distress.

Relationships that use reproaches and feelings of guilt are relationships that make you feel bad, and there is also nothing you can do to make this go away, because they keep reproaching you for your mistakes and blaming you for everything that happens.

Relationships of dependence

When a person makes you feel that they depend on you to be happy, be careful. The concept of romantic love that we have has done a lot of harm in this regard. Heartbreak songs are full of lyrics that say they cannot live without her/him, and this is not true. You must depend exclusively on yourself to live; you can wish, of course, to share your life with someone, but if that relationship ends, you will go on.

Phrases as pretty as: ”I can't live without you” ”if you left me I don't know what I would do” ”if you abandoned me, I would go crazy”…are phrases of dependence, not of love. They are phrases that aim to tie you to the relationship under any circumstances.

When the precedent is set that the other person is responsible for how they feel at all times (and vice versa), codependent tendencies develop. Suddenly, neither one is allowed to plan anything without obtaining the other's approval. All activities - even the most mundane things, like watching a television program - must be negotiated and compromised. When your personal needs are always relegated to second place behind theirs, you are in a toxic relationship.

When you are always justifying their behavior

In front of others you have to justify what they have done or said. They use shouting, humiliation, criticism and even insults when addressing you. This is psychological abuse, no one should be treated like this, under any circumstances. A healthy relationship is based on mutual respect. If someone treats you like this, they do not respect you.

Jealousy is not love

A jealous person does not love you more than one who is not. “Where there's fire there's smoke and where there's love there's jealousy” is a myth. Romantic relationships must be built on trust. Your partner should not constantly distrust you; you should not always have the need to justify what you do, what you say or who you relate to. Jealousy does not reflect their love, it reflects their insecurity and their distrust. No one should tell you what clothes to wear or who you can or cannot look at.

Reproaches

A relationship should make you feel good about yourself; it should bring out the best in you. Someone who continually asks you to change, reproaches you for what you do, say or think and does not value anything in you, will not make you happy. Your partner must accept you as you are, with your virtues and your flaws; they should not try to make a tailor-made suit out of you.

Relationships that always put you in second place

There is always something more important than being with you; their own desires and commitments come before you. They never have time for you…

Relationships need time devoted to them, quality time. Your partner should want to go out to dinner with you from time to time, even if you have children and a million obligations to attend to. If you do not devote time to your important relationships, they will end up dying. If your partner always leaves you in second place, perhaps they do not give you the importance that you truly have.

Not all toxic relationships have all these signs; some have more of some than of others, and having one or two of these symptoms does not mean that your relationship is toxic. Change what you see is not working, and if you see that you cannot change anything, perhaps you should change partners ;)

What can we do about a toxic relationship?

The first step is to realize that your romantic relationship is toxic; the second step is to change it. If you keep doing exactly the same things, everything will stay the same and you will lose out again and again.

To change your relationship you must talk it over with your partner, describe to them what does not make you happy and what you need them to change. Your partner must decide whether or not they want to make that change. Remember that it is not about making a tailor-made suit out of you.

Perhaps, with good intentions alone, it will not be enough, and it will become necessary to undergo couples therapy

It can also happen that your partner is not willing to make any change because they like the relationship just as it is. In this case, you must decide whether to leave or stay; you must decide whether or not to continue with that relationship.

What you should never do is wait for something to change over time, because that does not happen. Relationships follow an inertia and a dynamic that is very difficult to change. If what you are experiencing does not please you or make you happy, you must change it yourself and not wait for it to change on its own. Phrases like: “over time they will trust me more and will stop reproaching me” “when we get married they will trust me more” “over time they will change”, will perpetuate that same toxic relationship for longer and longer.