What is a micro-infidelity?

What are micro-infidelities?

Do you think that if we commit one we should confess it?

Did you know that we have probably all been or will be unfaithful at some point in our lives, or at least micro-unfaithful?

In this post I explain what a micro-infidelity is, whether or not it should be confessed to our partner, and what you should do if you have been micro-unfaithful or you suspect that your partner is being so.

What micro-infidelities are

• Following someone you like on social media and interacting frequently with him/her

• Hiding on your social media that you have a partner so that other people interested in you can approach

• Texting another person at all hours

• Confessing to someone that you feel attracted to him/her

• Contacting someone from your past, flirting with that person or meeting for a coffee without telling your partner

• Having sexting or sex over WhatsApp with another person

• Keeping dating app profiles and continuing to chat on them

Micro-infidelities do not involve physical contact with someone, but they do involve deception. The digital era has caused this type of behavior to proliferate; although flirting has always existed, now we have it much more within reach and the fact that it happens through social media or WhatsApp seems to make it less important.

Obviously a sexual infidelity does not carry the same severity as a micro-infidelity, but they share a common denominator, which is deception and disloyalty. And they can be the prelude to an infidelity.

Should we confess it?

You don't have to tell the truth to him or her, you have to tell it to yourself. Why are you being micro-unfaithful? What is happening?

Don't rush to confess it to your partner just like that, because the only thing you will achieve is hurting them and putting strain on your relationship. You will focus all your energy and attention on easing the distress your partner feels and fighting against your feelings of guilt, and you won't reflect on what is really happening.

Behind any type of infidelity there may be several reasons:

• A need to boost your self-esteem. Feeling that you are still on the market, that you can be attractive to someone or be liked. Be careful if you feel this need very frequently, because what you should do is look for a solution to feel good without the need to be liked by the other person. You may put your relationship at risk over a behavior that is not going to solve your lack of self-esteem.

• A desire to break out of the routine and bring a little enthusiasm to your life. Sometimes we lack incentives, our life seems monotonous to us and without novelties that motivate us. Analyze your lack of motivation; perhaps you need to make changes in your life that have nothing to do with your relationship.

• Or going through a relationship crisis. If you notice that you have disconnected from your partner or that you no longer feel the same, a micro-infidelity is not the solution, it is only the indicator that you should consider what to do with your relationship. When this happens, two paths usually open up: one is separation and the other is making changes in the relationship to rekindle it. In couples therapy I often come across the same problem, which is that the two of them have neglected their relationship for a long time and have led more separate lives, or have focused on parenthood and have not paid attention to the relationship. And this will inevitably take its toll on them.

For me the important thing is not whether to confess it or not, the important thing is to reflect, stop the micro-infidelity immediately, and when you reach a conclusion, act accordingly.

If you are going through a relationship crisis but you still want to fight for that relationship, the best thing you can do is look for solutions, talk to your partner, tell them what you feel, and together find a way to grow closer. Spend a weekend together, include moments of communication and intimacy during the week, such as having dinner without watching TV, include sexual games that both of you feel like. If, instead of doing all this, what you do is confess the micro-infidelity, you will probably aggravate the crisis and the distress. It can be much more destructive than constructive. So to the question of whether I should confess a micro-infidelity, my answer is NO.

What to do and what not to do if you suspect that your partner is being micro-unfaithful?

Don't look at their phone; it is not the same to be told that yes, they have been micro-unfaithful, as to see a conversation yourself. It is going to be much more painful.

When I work on infidelities in couples therapy, we make a no-information pact. You don't need to know the details, they are not going to contribute anything, but they are going to hurt you much more.

Besides, the fact that you suspect your partner does not give you the right to invade their privacy. So ask them directly.

Don't ask for details, you don't need them

Don't use it to belittle yourself. The fact that your partner has done that does not make you any less worthy. We tend to take things personally. The micro-infidelity the other person has committed has more to do with him/her than with you.

Don't search social media for the person to compare yourself. Avoid comparison; the other person is not better than you, nor worse. Remember that when we compare ourselves, it is always to lose.

What you should do is ask them, without using a threatening or aggressive tone. Find your calm before facing that situation. What we want is for there to be sincere communication.

If you decide to forgive the micro-infidelity and your partner is remorseful and wants to continue the relationship, you must reach a pact of honesty and trust that is positive for both of you; it should not be a blank check for you to violate all their rights, but it should help you trust again. The hardest thing to overcome in these cases is the disloyalty and the distrust.

If they lie to you, thank them for being so transparent, because at least now you know what kind of person you have in front of you and you can decide not to continue in that relationship.

If you want to know more, you can watch our YouTube video titled "WHAT IS MICRO-INFIDELITY?"