Keys to Living a Fulfilling Sexuality as a Couple

It seems that in the 21st century sex has stopped being taboo. I say it seems that way because there is a lot of talk about sex, in movies, in advertising, with friends… But what really surprises me is that there is still little sex education. I frequently come across many myths that are still believed and a lot of misinformation. There is a lot of talk about sex, but nothing is actually said.

As for female sexuality, we have gone from ignoring it, as if it didn't exist, to pressuring women to have orgasms no matter what. We often look for sex, the sex on TV, a perfect sex that doesn't exist, and we get lost in false myths and half-truths.

If you want to watch the video covering what this article is about, I encourage you to check out our YouTube channel.

In a stable couple relationship, sex is a very important part. Sometimes it's like the thermometer that tells us whether there is a fever or not, whether the relationship is healthy or not. Because relationship problems are frequently reflected in sexuality.

Today I want to talk to you about some keys to having a fulfilling sexuality as a couple.

It's only a summary, sexuality is too broad to cover in a single post.

Your sexuality starts with you

It's going to be very difficult to enjoy good sex if you remain full of taboos or false beliefs. To be able to have a healthy sexuality, you have to have a free mind, capable of letting go and giving yourself over. This is the most difficult and the most overlooked part: my beliefs and my own limitations. What is sex to me? What do I expect, what do I need? What do I think it should be? How far am I willing to go?

These are just some of the questions I should ask myself. Knowing what I think about sex will help me better define what I want.

I should also get to know my body. Masturbation and self-exploration are key to doing so. If I am able to touch myself, to look at myself and to experiment, I will know much more about what I like and will be able to communicate it.

My pleasure is your pleasure

In sex you have to be a bit selfish and not focus only on giving pleasure. Because there is nothing that gives more pleasure to my partner than seeing me enjoy myself. So my pleasure is their pleasure.

That's why it's also good to express it, if I like it I should show signs of it. It's not enough to enjoy it in silence, it has to be shared openly. That way my partner will see my arousal and my pleasure and I will thereby motivate theirs.

Sexual communication

Talking about sex is important, before, during and after. It's the way to know what my partner likes, it's the way to ask, to reach agreements, to understand the other person…

We can talk about sex during the sexual relationship, asking for what I want in that moment, guiding my partner about where I want to be touched or whether I'm about to have an orgasm…. With short and direct sentences.

We can also talk afterwards, when we are relaxed and holding each other, about what I liked most.

Or at any other time. Being able to talk with your partner about any subject is very important. Communication is the unfinished business of many.

The more we talk about sex, the better we will know our partner.

Mindfulness in sex

It's about focusing on the here and now, on the sensations of my own body and on my arousal, trying to let nothing else occupy our mind, no worries or pending tasks, nor the shopping list!!!

In therapy we increasingly use mindfulness for cases of sexual dysfunction because thoughts and worries greatly affect my sexuality. If thoughts of the type "it's going to happen to me again" "I'm not going to be able to have an orgasm" etc. assail me, my arousal will decrease. That's why mental control is so important so that I can focus on the moment, on what I am experiencing.

A mindful mind is much better than using sexual fantasies to try to arouse myself.

In a healthy sexual relationship, this usually happens spontaneously, but sometimes the worries of life end up in our bed too.

The more I have, the more I want

The more sex, the more desire.

Hasn't it ever happened to you that you have a great streak of sex? And just the opposite, months of drought….

Well, this has an explanation. Sexual desire increases after having had pleasurable sexual relations, it's a positive reinforcement mechanism. A good sexual relationship will increase my desire, my wish for sex.

Male and female sexual desire are different. Male desire depends more on external stimuli (movies, seeing the woman naked, underwear…), female desire depends more on internal stimuli (how I am feeling emotionally, the memory of previous good sexual relations, etc.). A woman can even start a sexual relationship with her partner without having felt desire, and through physical closeness, kisses and caresses, desire appears.

That's why it's important to practice sex frequently in order to have greater desire and higher quality sex. Even if desire doesn't appear at first, if we let ourselves be carried away by the moment it will soon appear.

Sometimes what happens is that we let the worries of everyday life affect our sex life, it seems hard for us to let go, that we never find the moment. But sex is very good precisely for disconnecting and for generating wellbeing.

It's easy to fall into a dynamic of lack of sex and subsequent loss of desire. If you see that you are entering a similar dynamic I recommend a romantic-sexual weekend away from home. Well, I recommend it whether it happens to you or not.

Sex doesn't always have to be the same

Sometimes it's wilder, faster (a quickie), other times slower and more leisurely. Neither better nor worse, just different. I won't always reach orgasm and that's fine too because sex is much more than an orgasm. The caresses, the contact, the union, the desire, the arousal, there are thousands of things before the resolution. Sometimes we give too much importance to the ending and very little to the journey.

In a couple there are also periods of more sex and of less, of doing some things more than others… and it's easy to fall into monotony.

That's why it's important to try new things, new places, etc.… as long as both agree.

There may also be differences regarding frequency, for one it may be little what for the other is already fine. Good communication in the couple can make it possible to reach a consensus. You have to try to avoid thinking that my partner no longer desires me just because they don't feel like having sex and above all not ask with reproaches for what I want, because what this will do is push my partner even further away.

What is clear is that if we want to have good sex we have to dedicate time and care to it. Taking care of my partner in this too, seeking to do what they like or to surprise them.

Sex is not intercourse

Sex begins long before intercourse and ends long after. The caresses, the kisses, the glances,… all of that is also sex. We dedicate little time to sexual play, we are a coital society.

In sex therapy the prohibition of penetration is sometimes used to force the couple to experience sex in another way and discover the power of non-genital physical contact.

Although we won't always have all the time in the world to dedicate to sex, every time we have the opportunity we should do it, we should spend our time having a lot of sexual play before penetration.

Female and male sexual responses are different:

The man has a fast arousal phase, being able to reach orgasm in a short time and afterwards a refractory period in which he won't have an erection (which can be minutes or even hours, and from the age of 40, 24 hours).

The woman has a slower arousal phase and takes longer to reach resolution or orgasm. Afterwards she has no refractory period and that's why she can chain one orgasm after another. Hence her multiorgasmic capacity.

The difference in these sexual responses explains why it's very important to allow time for play, so that the woman reaches penetration in a more advanced phase of arousal that makes her reach orgasm sooner. The man must control his arousal so as not to reach orgasm too soon, knowing himself well in order to recognize the point of no return and being able to stop in time. Just by stopping for a few seconds, we can continue the sexual practice without reaching orgasm and enjoy sex for longer.

For me, tantric sex is a great example to follow. Without going into detail about this kind of ancient doctrine, because tantra is not only sex, I'm going to summarize what is important to me regarding sex. A kind of guide to follow:

• Dedicate time to setting the scene, to taking care of the environment with candles or scents, music. A pleasant and comfortable atmosphere.

• Pay attention to your partner's breathing, and to your own. Look them in the eyes. This greatly increases the connection.

• Seek to enjoy each moment, practicing mindfulness and dedicating time to caresses that are not genital. Your whole body is sex. There's no rush to reach intercourse and much less orgasm.

• Change the rhythm and intensity frequently during intercourse.

• Master the orgasm so you can enjoy more time with your partner. Remember the difference between male and female sexual responses.