What does positive parenting mean?

Positive psychology and its arrival in education

At the end of the 20th century, and thanks to Seligman, psychology began to study phenomena that until then had been relegated to the background, such as creativity, happiness, emotional intelligence,… giving rise to the birth of a psychological current known as Positive Psychology, which is nothing more than focusing attention on the positive aspects and not only on the pathological aspects of the human being.

This current has permeated the Psychology of the 21st century and, as could not be otherwise, it has also reached education, especially in how we raise our children.

After years of clinical practice, I have heard on countless occasions that punishment does not work, that children with behavioral problems are children who live constantly punished and that this achieves precisely the opposite effect.

Well-known techniques such as the token economy, negative reinforcement, and punishment have ceased to be effective, and more positive behavioral techniques are gaining ground.

What is positive behavioral support?

But what is positive behavioral support and how can we apply it in raising our children?

The essence of this new approach is education through more positive techniques that create a climate of well-being at home, a climate that encourages our children to behave well and to give the best of themselves to see the look of pride and satisfaction on their parents' faces, so that they do not feel the need to use behavioral disturbances to get attention.

To achieve this you have to be patient and flexible in order to facilitate their learning. Give them the tools to form their identity and their self-esteem. Above all, it means basing education on the efforts they make, avoiding punishments, avoiding shouting, avoiding acting only when they behave badly, and always giving preference to positive reinforcement and non-material rewards. So that they learn to behave well because of the feeling of well-being it generates in them.

When we use negative reinforcement techniques, we base our attention on the things the child does wrong and we stop responding to the things they do well.

Positive reinforcement versus punishment

Positive parenting means using techniques such as positive reinforcement, preferably natural, non-material reinforcements. Filling their days with celebrations and applause, so that they see that their efforts and achievements are important to us. Because by using more punitive techniques, we end up paying attention only to bad behaviors and not to good ones. Punishment does not teach which behavior is appropriate; positive reinforcement does.

The important thing is that children feel valued for their efforts. Interpersonal relationships based only on punishment cause emotional distress, rage, anger, helplessness, and above all the feeling that, no matter what they do, they are never good enough, they never do it right. On the other hand, the use of more positive techniques focused on good behaviors generates emotional well-being, the desire to do things well, personal satisfaction, and therefore, better self-esteem.

Children want to please us: our responsibility as parents

Children have an innate tendency to want to please their parents, and when they misbehave it is not to annoy, it is because they probably do not know how to do it any other way. Our responsibility as parents is to teach them how to do things right, and learning requires time and patience. We must take advantage of this innate tendency to encourage the good behavior of our children, from patience, from positive reinforcement focused on efforts and not only on achievements, from tolerance, good management of emotions, and our own example. You have to teach respect by being respectful.

With an example we will understand much better what exactly positive parenting means:

Iván's parents come to our Center to consult with us:

Iván is a two-year-old boy who is learning to pee in the potty. This behavior is new to him and his parents want to do it as well as possible.

At first, when he sits on the potty, even if he does not pee, the parents are very happy and show him how proud they are of him. The first day he manages to pee in the potty, the joy is immense, they applaud, hug him, and call grandma to tell her. But one day he wets himself and his parents get a little angry. Another day he does it again, and whenever he is playing and distracted the pee escapes him. What's more, his parents remind him and he says he does not need to go, but a minute later he has already wet himself again. They have tried everything, they have punished him, they have taken away a toy, they have even spanked him on the bottom.

After giving them some clear guidelines, the behavior changes radically: Iván's parents must understand that they are responsible for getting their son to pee in the potty. He is learning, and when you learn something, you make mistakes. They must be attentive to the signs from their son that indicate he is about to pee, such as fidgeting or when he has gone a long time without going. When they see these signs they must take him to the potty, even if the child is playing and does not want to; we will insist, we will tell him it is just for a moment and that afterwards he can keep playing, and even that he can take the toy to the bathroom so he can see how he pees and is a big boy. Whatever it takes for him to agree to go and pee in the potty. It is about having the greatest possible number of successes and reinforcing them a lot (with kisses, sharing the success with other relatives, applauding,…). When he wets himself, we will not punish the behavior, we will say that it is okay, that he is learning and that it is normal for it to escape sometimes. We will accompany him so that he changes and washes himself, and we will let him take his dirty clothes to the bin. Without getting angry, without punishing him.

In summary: what positive parenting involves

This is positive parenting, avoiding punishment and understanding that children are learning and need our guidance to do it well. That learning something new requires time and we must be patient, and that our role as parents is to teach them what is right and what is wrong.

Fill their days with good moments, with displays of love, with applause for their good behaviors and their efforts, and you will see how they respond better, learn sooner, and are happier.