The Importance of Setting Limits for Our Children

Many parents of young children complain that they do not know what to do to control their children, that their children do not obey them, or that in some situations the little ones behave like little despots who rule over their parents.

We may ask ourselves all too often, if my children do this at this age, what will they do when they are teenagers?

This educational problem is increasingly common: the difficulty parents have in setting limits for their children from a young age.

When there are no clear limits, our child can become a tyrant and irascible and act in a passive manner.

Why is it so important to set firm limits?

- First of all, because on a personal level our children NEED to have rules set for them.

- Rules and limits generate SECURITY and PROTECTION and likewise they will be able to integrate better into our society and be protected from future risks.

- This way, coexistence at home will be more peaceful.

Many times parents have to repeat an instruction to their child countless times for them to carry it out, and many times they only end up doing it if the adults end up shouting as an ultimatum.

The ideal would be to be able to educate from a place of calm but being firm and consistent, but this does not mean always using punishment or threats.

It must be made clear that authority in the home belongs to the parents and not the children, and therefore the parents have to trust in themselves and believe it, and as a consequence the children have to respect it.

Guidelines for setting clear and effective limits:

- BE SPECIFIC: when you want to establish an instruction, it should be made as specific as possible, thus avoiding ambiguities.

For example, if you want to establish bedtime, the best would be to say: "bedtime is at 9:30 p.m." and not "go to bed early".

- BE ASSERTIVE and say things calmly. To set limits, give orders and instructions, the ideal is to do so with a normal tone of voice; there is no need to shout, because if we shout we are losing control both of ourselves and at the family and coexistence level.

- INSTRUCTIONS SHOULD FOCUS ON THE BEHAVIOR. To give an instruction, it must be clear and only say what we want to be done or stopped. That is, focus on the behavior and not on the child or their attitude.

For example, do not say "you are rude" or "do not behave like a small child" but rather say: "You must not insult", "Wait until I finish speaking and do not interrupt me"

- ACT WITH CONSEQUENCE, that is, set the consequence that there will be if the limit is not met, and always remind them of it. For example, "if you do not go to sleep at 9 p.m., the next day you will not go to the park".

Children have to know that their parents act as they have said, and this way they will be able to know their rules and respect them, since if they do not there will be a consequence.

At the same time, it is important not to fall into emotional blackmail, nor into threats or disqualifications.

Some books that contain strategies and guidelines in this regard are:

- Setting Limits. How to Raise Responsible and Independent Children with Clear Limits by R.J. MacKenzie.

This book explains techniques and strategies that help our children behave as adults expect and also helps to correct incorrect behaviors.

- Neither Tantrums nor Conflicts by Rosa Jové

It explains solutions for behavioral problems with our children from 0 to 12 years old.