How to prevent and detect sexual abuse in childhood

According to a study by Pereda, Guilera, Forns & Gómez Benito (2009), 9.2% of the European population has suffered sexual abuse. 9.2% seems like an alarming figure to me!

There is a website, One in Five , which owes its name to these statistics: 1 out of every 5 European children will suffer sexual abuse.

So why do we keep thinking that it won't happen to our child? Ladies and gentlemen, with these statistics in hand, we cannot allow the prevention of abuse to be something that is not talked about at home. And what surprises me most is that, with this data, we are not training our professionals to detect abuse, teachers or pediatricians who can protect minors. Talks at schools for parents. It is the abuse victims themselves who take action to prevent it by forming associations, as is the case of Vicki Bernadet. Thanks to them, society is beginning to become aware.

In addition, we must not forget that abusers are usually people from the children's closest environment (parents, uncles, grandparents, teachers, coaches, monitors, etc.). All the more reason to train professionals.

What can we do as parents to prevent sexual abuse?

1. Educate in respect

Respect for the rights of the minor and for their own body. For this, we must truly respect them:

- If they feel embarrassed undressing with the fitting room open in the clothing store, we will respect that and close the door. We will not tell them: it's nothing, you're little and you have nothing to hide.

- We will respect their decision not to give a kiss to a family member. It's true that as parents we must educate them and tell them they should say hello when they arrive and when they leave, but a kiss is given, not forced. Every time I force them to give an adult a kiss, I'm telling them "you don't decide about your own body, the adult does".

2. They can also say NO

It is important that we let them voice their opinion, take part in family decisions (the most trivial ones, the ones we think they can handle), such as:

- Would you rather go to the cinema or stay home

- Do you feel like going out today?

- What would you prefer for dessert, melon or apple?

These are small decisions that tell them: you are important and you are part of this family. You help them grow in autonomy and foster good self-esteem. In addition, if there is something they don't like, it's good for them to say so, to express it:

- I don't feel like going to this wedding!!

- I understand you don't feel like it because there won't be children your age. I like that you tell me what you think, but you already know we have to go, it's our family. You'll see how you have a good time afterwards.

This way, we make them feel capable of saying NO to the things they don't like. And if, in addition, some of the times they say NO their opinion is respected, all the better.

If, on the contrary, we always treat them like children without taking their opinions into account and without letting them say NO to anything, the message we give them is: "the adult is in charge and you can't tell them no". Think about this message in terms of abuse; we are opening the door to the abuser.

3. Don't encourage secrets

Secrets between adults and children are not good. We can plan surprises for other family members, but not keep secrets that can't be told to others. The abuser always uses secrecy to keep the victim silent. If we normalize its use at home, once again we make things easier for them.

In our family there are no secrets because they are precisely the opposite of good communication.

4. Talk about abuse at home

At moments like bath time, you can take the opportunity, while doing the hygiene of the genitals, to talk to them about the privacy of their body, that an adult should not touch them there. Only the parents and just for a moment to wash them.

Depending on the child's age, you can be more or less explicit. With children from 9-10 years old you can even tell them a story from your childhood where abuse occurred, or about some news story you know of. With younger children you can use stories such as:

"Leiko y la mano"

"Ni un besito a la fuerza" (Maite Canal)

If this is talked about at home, it will be much easier for my child to be able to tell me if it ever happens to them. It's not about alarming, it's about talking about it the way you talk about any other danger (you must not cross the street when the light is red, or if a little friend hits you hard, tell the teacher).

5. Feeling yes and feeling no

From a very young age, children know how to distinguish what makes them feel good from what makes them feel bad. We should teach them to feel yes, feel no. Sometimes having your hair brushed makes you feel yes, but other times you get a tug and you feel no. Sometimes being caressed makes you feel yes, but other times those caresses can make you feel no. What makes you feel a YES will be good for you, and what makes you feel NO, you must stop by saying exactly that, by saying NO. Something as simple and as powerful as this should be talked about in every classroom in our schools.

6. Listen to your child

I will never get tired of saying it at the School for Parents or in the talks. We must listen to our children, even if it seems like more of the same, even if it's the tenth time they've gotten angry with their best friend in a week. What is important to them is important to you. Listen to what they want to tell you and listen when they give you an explanation about something.

I will always remember a session with some parents about educational guidelines who told me that their daughter was very disobedient (like all of them, I said) and explained what had happened to them the other day:

- I told her over and over not to climb on the chair. I went and got her down. Up to three times. In the end I told her I would punish her and even so she did it again. It's clear she was openly defying me.

- Did you ask her what she wanted? It surprises me that she would insist on doing it without any purpose

- I didn't ask her but I'm sure she wanted to reach her teddy bear because that's what she grabbed when she climbed up.

We could have avoided a punishment and a bad time, if instead of insisting on our authority we got into the habit of first asking, why do you want to do it? Before saying no.

If my child is used to being listened to at home, it will be much easier for them to come and tell us what is happening to them. And when they tell you something bad that has happened to them avoid the parental lecture, they don't need you to tell them how badly they did, they already know that, they just need you to listen to them.

How can I detect possible sexual abuse in my child?

There is no identifying sign of abuse; there is no test, neither physical nor psychological, that tells you with 100% certainty that abuse has occurred. But, fortunately, there are some indicators that we as parents can take into account to see if something is not right:

- Sleep problems

- Drop in school performance

- Isolation

- If they suddenly don't want to go to football when they have always gone so happily. We must ask them what's wrong, not force them to go just because we've paid for the term. It may be for some other reason, but as parents we must find out.

- Disruptive behaviors (aggressiveness, anger, rage)

- Sexual vocabulary inappropriate for their age

- Sadness or irritability. That is, showing sadness or flaring up over anything with rage and in a disproportionate way.

- Not wanting to go with a family member with whom they always went so happily. Once again I insist, this does not mean that there is definitely abuse, it simply means that instead of forcing them to go without a second thought, we must first investigate.