A Guide to Surviving Your Child's Adolescence

It has been a long time since you stopped getting up every two hours to feed them, or putting up with tantrums because they wanted to stay longer at the park; now they are older and a new stage begins, neither better nor worse, simply different.

To survive adolescence we need to understand it. Knowing the basic concepts of this stage is going to help us know what is going on in their head, to respect their space, and to know when it is important to set limits.

That is why I am going to give you a list of the main characteristics of this stage, and afterwards I will leave you a mini survival guide describing what I should and should not do.

Characteristics of the adolescent

Rebelliousness:

This may be the most relevant characteristic of this stage. A lack of recognition of authority appears and the adolescent begins to question the rules. It is the second crisis of opposition

Peer group:

The core of their life stops being their family and becomes their group of friends. They need to feel accepted and that is where most of their problems arise. As parents we are going to have to be able to accept that we are no longer so important and that now friends are the center of their attention. Understanding and respecting this is going to be crucial.

Identity creation

Who am I and what defines me are going to be two of their great challenges at this stage. Hence their constant changes of interests and tastes, in the way they dress or their music style. Now more than ever, they are going to need us to reinforce their good qualities and stop hammering them about everything they do wrong. They are defining themselves and we, better than anyone, can help them; we know their strengths and weaknesses and we can help them grow as people or undermine this process.

False sense of immunity:

Nothing bad can happen to me (this won't happen to me). With this sensation they cannot understand their parents' overprotection (what is going to happen to me for going out at night??). I am no longer a child!!!

Egocentrism and narcissism:

Another of the most relevant characteristics. “The whole world revolves around my navel”. There is nothing other than me and what happens to me. Do not expect them to put themselves in your place, it is not their time for that.

Emotional lability.

The adolescent is very unstable. Their mood changes very quickly and it drives us crazy. It is normal, their hormones are in turmoil and they cannot do it any other way, it is not in their hands to control this. They are on a Ferris wheel that goes up and down and over which they have no controls. We have to be patient and wait for them to stabilize little by little

Overflowing imagination.

Their thinking and their way of seeing the world are also going to change. They move into the stage of formal operational thinking (Piaget) and this means they will be able to think about themselves, to give different explanations for the same thing, to distinguish between truth and falsehood, etc… Which is going to make them live more in their world than in ours, make them get lost in their thoughts and not listen to us, spend long periods staring at the ceiling… They are developing their brain, their thinking, their way of interpreting the world; they are not daydreaming!

Impulsivity:

They have unexpected and uncontrolled reactions. They often respond aggressively to things that do not warrant it (remember the hormones). They are mini volcanoes waiting for an occasion to explode. Faced with this, let the eruption end and let all the lava come out. Afterwards talk in a calm way and make them see the consequences of their outburst Little by little, with patience, we will help empathy appear and help them gradually abandon the egocentrism of this stage.

Stage of ideals:

What a stage!! Do you remember your bedrooms full of posters of singers with long, messy hair? Well, that's it, that's what happens. Idealizing certain people disproportionately. They have excessive confidence in their ideas and that is why they defend them in an exaggerated way. Respect this, do not take advantage of these things to belittle them. “I don't know how you can like this one”. If they are their idol and you criticize them, it is as if you were directly attacking the adolescent. Instead ask them what it is they like about him, perhaps you will be surprised and behind that ideal there are some very interesting values

Intensity in emotions:

Everything is experienced in extremes, emotions too. When they feel sadness it is enormous and when they feel joy it is disproportionate. Another Ferris wheel, but of emotions. Either way up high or way down low. Help them regulate themselves, with patience. All this will pass when the hormones calm down. Do not belittle their sorrow “it's not that big a deal, tomorrow you won't even remember that boyfriend”. Because at that moment their sorrow is very great and that is how they feel it. If you downplay it they will feel alone and misunderstood.

Desire for independence:

An adolescent needs their space (their room), their privacy and their independence. The path from child to adult necessarily passes through autonomy. I must be able to live alone and fend for myself. Although for us it means watching them go away, our role as parents is to give them a good foundation so that they can fly the nest with everything they need in their backpack and so that they come back whenever they want or need shelter.

Survival guide

Small pieces of advice that can help us cope well with this new stage:

#### Adolescents still need limits

You just have to redefine them with them. Each family must choose the limits, according to their beliefs and their vision of what should be respected and what should not. But as a general guide, the limits at this stage should be aimed at:

- Greater responsibility (collaboration in household chores)

- Organization of time (curfews and arrival times, time to be with the family…)

- Use of new technologies (time spent and content)

- Mutual respect and obedience (that they don't speak badly, that they respect the rules of the house and that there is reciprocity, we too must respect them)

In adolescence it is better to agree on limits together; it will be much easier for them to comply with a limit they set themselves than one imposed by me.

#### Choose your battles well

Don't fight over everything, you have to give them room to express themselves and to make mistakes. If they decide to dye their hair or let it grow long, give them some leeway. You cannot say NO to everything. They need to be able to make their own mistakes without having to hear “I told you so”. Save your strength for important issues like drugs or studies. The things that can really have an important impact on their future.

#### Listen without judging them

Listen to them every time they speak to you. If your teenage child comes to talk to you, you cannot be busy and tell them to come back another time, because they probably won't try again. We must encourage moments of communication (eating without the TV, doing some leisure activity together…). But the most important thing for our adolescent to talk to us is not to judge them when they explain something. Phrases like “I told you so” “you should have….” will undermine their desire to talk to you.

#### Respect your child's privacy

Their room, their phone, their books or their conversations do not have to be public knowledge. It is true that we must keep watch so that nothing happens to them (cyberbullying, harassment, drugs…) but if there are no obvious warning signs we should not intrude on their privacy without permission. Giving them privacy does not mean letting them do whatever they want, it simply means respecting their transition from child to adult. To prevent potential dangers, the best thing is to talk to them about these topics: sex, drugs, the danger of social networks,… Rather than monitoring everything they do or say.

We should start from trust, trusting that they will do things well, but if they break that trust they will also lose privileges.

#### Have a positive authority

Respect your child, try not to shout at them or say things to them with contempt. Maybe what they tell you is nonsense to you but for them it can be very important, do not tell them it's nonsense. If you respect them, it is much easier for them to respect you. A positive authority is based on mutual respect and on our child knowing that we usually say yes but that when we say NO to something, we stand firm and they must comply with it.

Negotiate with them and be fair. Justice is very important to the adolescent.

#### Punish little

Punishment reminds them of their childhood. Punishing them is treating them as if they were a child. Use it only when necessary (when they have crossed the line big time), let them be the one to choose it and let them be natural consequences of their behavior (something that resembles real life). That is, if they arrived late and we have all already had dinner, they will have to clear the dishes and the kitchen themselves because it could not be cleared up until they had eaten.

Conclusions

Enjoy this stage because, like everything in life, it passes. Enjoy watching them become adults; your project is coming to an end. You will still be a parent but you have already done your most important part: turning your child into a healthy and responsible adult.