Discover whether your relationship is healthy

“Love can do anything”

“Love moves mountains”

These are just a couple of examples of the clichés about love that we live with every day, clichés that are very far from reality. Love can neither do everything nor move any mountain; in fact, love is necessary for a relationship but it is not enough. Look at children's tales about princes and princesses, what happens? Well, they end right on the wedding day, and what comes after?

We are surrounded by false expectations regarding relationships, false myths that sometimes lead us into toxic relationships and make us wait for something that never comes. Ladies and gentlemen, Prince Charming does not exist, nor does the pink princess, nor do perfect relationships. And even though love songs are full of toxic or impossible love stories, the reality of a healthy and stable couple is very far from those lyrics we love so much. I can't imagine a song that talks about a calm, secure, stable relationship, one of mutual respect, of plans for the future… I think we wouldn't like it, would we?

Here is our video from our YouTube channel where we talk about this topic.

10 points to know if you are healthy as a couple and the keys to achieving it

Passion and infatuation are much more interesting, but they last only for a while; after the happy ending of the tales there is something more and someone should write about it, right?

So here are some ingredients that, in my opinion and that of other psychology professionals who work in couples therapy, a couple should have in order to consider that the relationship they have is healthy:

I can be myself

In this relationship I feel that I can be myself without fear of rejection, I don't pretend to be someone else, nor do I say I like going to the movies when I hate it. My partner accepts me as I am, which is very different from resigning themselves to how I am.

”I love you for who you are, with your virtues and your flaws”. ”I don't expect you to change anything over time”. Which is very different from ”if that's how it is, what can I do? I'll just have to put up with it.”

And although it is clear that we can't like everything about our partner, because perfection does not exist and because I myself am full of flaws, that doesn't mean we stay in this relationship with the idea of changing or molding them; we stay with the idea of enjoying what they bring us and giving them the freedom to be as they are.

There is also admiration for the other. We feel that there are things about our partner that we love and that there are things about us that awaken admiration in the other.

The relationship is easy

You love me, I love you, and that's it. They are relationships that flow without too much effort, everything is simple, uncomplicated and free of novelesque stories like “we can't live together because I haven't gotten over a past trauma,” “I can't live with you or without you and I make your life impossible,” “now yes, now no,” “you have to prove your love to me before we can be happy and have a relationship.”

As a general rule, toxic relationships are complicated, nothing is simple, there is always some problem that darkens the blue sky, which is why you have to flee from relationships that don't flow.

There are no great differences.

Couples with a very large age difference (more than 15 years) or very dissimilar socio-economic levels (lower class-upper class) tend to have more problems than more similar couples. This doesn't mean we have to be alike. Some couples think that if they don't share hobbies they can't be a couple; this is not so. Differences will be a handicap when they are very big, but my partner doesn't have to play sports if I do, nor do they have to like everything I like. Each person should have their own space to enjoy their time.

Trust

A couple is based on trust. In fact, any intimate relationship is founded on the trust we place in the other. This is what is often lost in an infidelity or a breakup, and it is so difficult to recover that, many times, it is what ends the relationship. It is a blind trust in the other person, it is being sure that they will be there in the worst moments and in the best ones too.

Distrust, jealousy, and control would be at the opposite pole. If distrust predominates in a couple, war is practically guaranteed. Even couples with open relationships have clear rules that must be followed, because trust is not exactly fidelity; trust is knowing that the other plays by the same rules as I do and that they are not going to break them.

Spontaneous desire for the other to be well

It is that desire that arises automatically from seeing the other person happy. We want them to be well and therefore we do everything possible to achieve it. If something worries them we try to fix it, if there is something they don't like we try not to do it. We seek their well-being and we provide it. A toxic relationship rarely focuses on the other person's well-being.

I love you, I choose you, but I don't need you to live.

I can live without you but I prefer to live with you. It is a free choice and one that does not respond to any need or dependency. I don't need you to live, but living with you certainly makes me much happier. Genuine love does not respond to any need. Marriages of convenience have always existed and, although fortunately they tend to disappear, we still find people who carefully assess whether their partner meets their needs (money, stability, the desire to be parents, a family life project, status, and a long list of others).

Love is conditional and reciprocal

The only unconditional love that exists is that of parents toward their children and it is not always so. But love between partners must be conditional, I give to you, you give to me. It is a lie that we expect nothing in return; we expect many things: that they love me, respect me, take care of me, support me,…

What's more, love between partners must be reciprocal, I expect from you what I give you. It is a scale and it must tend toward balance. If one of the partners gives more than they receive, the scale becomes unbalanced and the relationship is in danger; either it breaks or one of the members is at a clear disadvantage and that will take its toll.

We relate to each other as adult-to-adult

Neither of the two adopts the role of a child who must be cared for and punished. We are two adults in an adult relationship and we make decisions on the same level. And although sometimes we care for and pamper each other, this is reciprocal, not one-directional. We don't use punishment because we have better ways of telling each other when something doesn't please us.

We communicate

We can talk about everything, even about what we disagree on. We spend great moments chatting and each day we find our space. But the most important thing is that we know how to tell each other things, we don't expect the other to guess what we want because we ask for it openly, when we say no it's because we mean no and in our vocabulary praise wins out toward the other, at the expense of destructive criticism.

If this were a test, you should answer yes to most of the questions. The ones where your answer is no are a point for analysis, reflection, and possible change.