Discover how to boost your self-esteem

Self-esteem is the assessment we make of ourselves, a construct that is always growing and that begins to form in childhood, which is why, and because of how important it is, this aspect is increasingly worked on in schools. If you also want to know how to foster good self-esteem in your children, be sure to read our article Recipes for positive self-esteem in children

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But when we were little, self-esteem was not given as much importance, which may be why it is one of the symptoms I most often encounter in my practice. People usually come in for problems with anxiety or depression, and then you discover that, underneath all of that, what there really is, is low self-esteem.

Many times, I see it poke its head out in phrases like:

- "I'm not valued" (in order to be valued, you must value yourself first)

- "I have bad luck" "Others are luckier than me"

- "I'm sure that if I do it, it will turn out badly"

- "I envy other people's lives"

Raising your self-esteem once you are an adult is harder than when you are a child because it is already formed, but it is possible. You just need a little effort and a few exercises. Everything is trainable and changeable if one wants it to be.

But before I tell you how to boost your self-esteem, I'm going to give you a list of signs so you can measure whether your self-esteem is low or high.

How to know if my self-esteem is low or high

Self-esteem is the set of beliefs, perceptions, evaluations, and thoughts we have about ourselves, the assessment we make based on our experiences.

For me, self-esteem is the value I give myself: how I value myself. If I think I'm good at something, if I trust my abilities, if I feel that I'm worth it, that I can do whatever I set my mind to, I'm happy with what I do, I speak about what I think and what I feel without holding back, I feel happy with what I have…

I have good self-esteem if I trust myself even more than I trust others. I feel secure and deserving of my achievements.

Signs of low self-esteem:

- I do NOT trust myself. I have no confidence in almost anything I do

- I believe that I can't achieve the things I want and so I no longer make an effort to attain them

- I frequently feel that others are better than me

- I'm afraid to say what I think or feel in case others don't see it the same way I do

- If something turns out well I think it's because of something outside of me, like good luck or thanks to another person. When something turns out badly I feel that it's my fault

- I let others decide for me, out of fear of making a mistake

- I envy other people's lives. I feel that they are better than mine

- I always see my weaknesses but I'm not able to see my strengths

- When someone says something good about me, I almost never believe it

- I tend to think that what I do could be better or that someone else would surely do it better

- I feel nervous and judged when I'm with a group of people, especially if I barely know them. I tend to think they won't like me

- I don't relate to others the way I would like because I think I won't do it well and they'll leave me out

- When I look at myself in the mirror I almost never see myself as good-looking or fine

- I compare myself a lot with others and I tend to see myself as inferior

These would be some of the obvious signs of low self-esteem. If you feel identified, I invite you to put into practice some very simple exercises:

How can I raise my self-esteem?

- Stop comparing yourself

Live your life and stop looking at other people's. You can't always be comparing yourself because there will always be someone better than you at something, but also worse (although you don't take that into account). Comparing yourself with others is the most useless exercise there is, the only good comparison is the one you make with yourself, how I improve over time, how I change, mature, and evolve.

When your eyes look outside of your life, they stop looking inside. When you compare yourself, you stop living your life, and that won't make you happy.

Every time you catch yourself spying on someone's life to compare yourself, stop and say: there will always be someone better than me but also worse, stop comparing yourself now!

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- Look at your strengths too

You are very capable of seeing your weaknesses but not your strengths. Ask friends and family, work colleagues, children, neighbors…to say one good characteristic about you and write it down on a sheet of paper. When you have 30, stop. Read this sheet once a day for a while, as long as you want. Read believing what you read. Feel those characteristics as your own and recognize yourself in them.

Of course there are things you do badly or so-so, but there are also things you do well. The people around you see it clearly, they see your strengths, let them show them to you so that you can see them.

- Start thinking positively

Change your thoughts. The "I can't" for "I'm going to try", "I'm going to succeed" "it's going to go well for me"

The future is unpredictable; when I do something I don't know how it will end up turning out. But the way I face that challenge can be decisive. If I go in with a defeatist attitude of failure, I'll get discouraged much sooner, I'll give up more frequently than if I go in with a successful and positive attitude. Thoughts are ours and we must start to control them and not let our mind run free. We have to change that negative tendency in order to face things with strength.

- Treat yourself the way you do with others, with affection and respect

When you treat others you are fairer than when you treat yourself. You're not so critical and you know how to value the good things they have. But when you think about yourself, you focus on what you don't know how to do well, but you don't see what you're good at.

Make a list; in the first column put the things you're not good at or your flaws and for each of them find a virtue or something you're good at and put it in the second column. In the end there has to be the same number of items in the two columns.

Accept your flaws just as you accept them in others and become aware of your virtues. You are as valid as the rest of the world, value yourself and respect yourself, it's the only way for others to respect you.

- Judge yourself in a fair way

Enough already with blaming yourself for your mistakes!. We all make them. You shouldn't torment yourself because something has turned out badly; mistakes are human. This is a burden that doesn't let you move forward.

I'm going to tell you a secret, everyone, absolutely everyone, has made mistakes. The difference is that while someone with good self-esteem sees that there are more factors that contribute to that mistake and they see an opportunity for improvement and learning, people with low self-esteem only see one thing: I'VE DONE IT WRONG, I'M USELESS. These phrases don't motivate or help to improve or to learn from mistakes. This is your burden, put an end to it.

Learn to look at something that you did do well; every time you make a mistake, think about something that did turn out well for you and think that everyone makes mistakes. Don't torment yourself, or blame yourself, take it on, accept it, and continue on your way. Surely there is something you will have learned.

- You deserve it too

Stop thinking that you don't deserve good things. Everyone deserves good things to happen to them. It's not fair to believe that because you're worse than others, you don't deserve what they have, especially because no one is worse than anyone. There are people good at some things and people good at others; I don't know anyone who is good at everything. Everyone deserves a good job or a partner who loves and respects them. If you don't value yourself, if you don't believe in yourself, others won't either. You'll be your own worst limitation.

You deserve the best, don't settle for less.

- Learn to love yourself

You are the most important person in your life. You will always be with yourself, no matter what happens. That's why it's crucial that you love yourself and value yourself above all. You are the only one responsible for your personal well-being, you must provide it for yourself and not wait for others to give it to you. Find the things you like and that make you happy and do them, don't make excuses. If doing sports makes you feel good, do it, find time for yourself to do what makes you feel good.