Couples therapy or divorce?

Unfortunately, couples therapy is associated with couples facing serious problems. When you find out that a married couple is going to therapy, the first thing you think is that they are going through a hard time; nobody thinks, "look how great!! they are dedicating time to improving their marriage." And, although it is a shame, that is the reality. Couples who want to improve their relationship do not come to my practice; the most common thing is for them to come and tell me: "it was either coming to therapy or divorce, this is our last resort," "I told him either a psychologist or a lawyer, you decide."

Couples therapy can be much more than a "desperate" effort for couples on the verge of divorce. It would be great to do an annual check-up on the health of our couple relationship. This could help people see the most conflictive areas, identify strategies to overcome and prevent problems, and find help when they need it, as well as improve their relationship in several areas: communication, sexuality, affection, agreements on raising children, etc…

There are many techniques among those I use in treatment that I take home for my daily life; it is a way to improve the couple relationship and to take care of it.

What will you learn at our couples therapy center?

1. Make an effort:

There is the false belief that in a romantic relationship there is no room for effort, that things must come from oneself, without making an effort. And what if they don't come?

Every relationship needs to be cared for, and to do so it is important to make an effort to do something every day that makes the other person happy. Those little everyday things are what keep the relationship solid. The exchange of pleasant things increases the probability that I will want to remain in that relationship that satisfies me and makes me happy.

Do you know what your partner likes? Do you know what makes them happy? If the answer is YES, then why don't you make an effort to give it to them? And if the answer is NO, what are you waiting for to find out?

2. Make three wishes:

Have you ever played at making wishes? It is a good way to know what the other person wants and thus be able to do something to achieve it. You can make a list of wishes and give yourselves a deadline to make them come true. They should be wishes that you know your partner can make come true. That way you will know that during this year someone will make your wishes come true, but you will not know exactly when or in what order.

Here you can include that sexual fantasy you have never dared to ask your partner for.

3. Communicate:

It is very common to find clear communication problems in all the couples who attend therapy. There is never time to talk. Besides, there are things that don't need to be said because he or she already knows that, and it turns out that when you ask the other person they have no idea. Something that one member of the couple takes for granted turns out to be something the other member didn't even know. This is a very common mistake.

Ask your partner for what you want at each moment; don't wait for them to guess it, they are not a fortune teller, they cannot guess what you are thinking. If you want them to take you out to dinner, tell them; if you want them to pour you a glass of wine, tell them; if you want a hug, ask for it. Don't wait for them to get it right because most of the time they won't.

Do it in sex too. If you don't tell them what you like and what you don't, they will hardly get right what they do. You can also talk about sex during sex!

4. Don't lose your temper

In arguments, the loss of respect and the use of shouting and insults are common. Learning to argue is something that is usually done in therapy. It should serve to reach agreements, not to hurt your partner. A solution will hardly be reached if when we argue what we do is insult and shout at each other. To this end, avoid arguing in the heat of the moment; ask your partner for a moment to calm down before starting to talk, you can postpone the argument for an hour to begin it calmly. You will have to respect speaking turns, avoid reproaches or disrespect, and end the argument with agreements that benefit you both.

5. Put out a flower from time to time:

Taking care of the relationship also means giving your partner a surprise. Prepare a dinner or take them to see a play that you know they will like. You know each other so well that it is surely easy to get right what they like. Giving each other time together is necessary, couple time, quality time. Get out of the routine, give a surprise, and enjoy the happy face you bring about.

6. Take care of sex too:

Always the same, in the same place, in the same way, can be fine sometimes, but try changing the place, the routine, and the position and you will see how your sexuality improves. Spice up sex from time to time, dress it up with wine and flowers or with improvisation and surprise. Isn't it true that getting out of the routine is good from time to time? Well, that has to be applied to the couple's sex life too.

While I wait for things to change, I keep working with couples on the verge of divorce. Although I insist: timely counseling could prevent most separations because couples pick up bad habits from the first years of the relationship, habits that will become part of their future routine and that will determine their happiness or their wearing down. Whoever believes they don't need to take care of their couple relationship is making a serious mistake. I invite you to put these 6 steps into practice and I look forward to your comments on the matter. Visit us at our couples therapy center.

If you would like more information, you can read our page on what couples therapies consist of or our related post.