The 9 golden rules for speaking the same language as your teenage child

It has surely happened to you more than once that when you talk with your teenage child it seems like you speak different languages. We can't understand each other, and that's when we manage to talk at all, because most of the time what lies between them and us is a deep silence. It seems like an abyss separates us, but really they are not so different from how we were at their age. Adolescence has always been frowned upon. Phrases like this one prove it:

The young people of today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, devour their food, and disrespect their teachers.

Socrates (470 BC-399 BC) Greek philosopher.

Centuries later we haven't changed our opinion much. But it's not all that simple. It is a difficult stage, full of physical, psychological and hormonal changes. But it is unfair to simplify it with that kind of phrase. Being a teenager is not easy, and being their parent is even less so.

There is something that can help us understand them, and that is to remember when we were 15 years old, what we felt, how we experienced things, everything was very exaggerated, the bad was awful and the good was wonderful, friends were the best of friends or they were the worst of enemies. There are no middle grounds, everything is lived at the extremes. Understanding what they feel will bring us closer to what they think, understanding this time of changes will bring us closer to our children.

But today I'm going to go further, I'm going to describe the basic rules that the language we use to talk with our children must have:

1. Avoid lectures

We spend the day telling them how they should do things so they don't make the same mistakes we made. When our children explain something about their life to us, our first reaction cannot be reproach, a lecture, or telling them what they should have done instead of….

This cuts off all communication with our children at the root. We must avoid always delivering a lecture. Nothing happens if they make a mistake. When they tell us something they did wrong, our first reaction is anger, and many times we have already delivered the great lecture by their second sentence. If we control ourselves and let them speak, perhaps their maturity will surprise us, maybe they have already learned the lesson and therefore the lecture won't be necessary. We can ask them how they feel and how they have thought about fixing it, and offer ourselves in case they need us. This way we make sure that when they get into trouble, they will count on us again.

2. Listen carefully

Listening means listening. There is a Chinese proverb that says we have two ears and one mouth, to listen twice as much as we speak. When our child wants to talk with us it's because they need it at that moment, they can't wait. We should set aside what we are doing and listen carefully to what they want to tell us. This way we will know well what is happening to them, what they feel and what worries them. Many times we ask them hoping to extract all this information and we rarely get an answer longer than a monosyllable. So why do we let the opportunity to listen slip away when they talk to us?

3. Tell them your stories

You tell them: when I was your age there was a friend of mine from class who….. and you'll see how you catch your child's attention. More than an empty lecture, give them an experience of yours, explain to them what you did and how you felt. Talk to them about emotions, they are understood much better than lectures.

4. Create spaces for communication

Eating together as a family, going to the movies together, sharing a hobby or accompanying them to some extracurricular activity, are moments that foster communication. If you enjoy these kinds of gatherings at home, it will be much easier for you to converse with your son/daughter. If you don't have them, the time has come to create them!

5. Everything that matters to them is important

When they explain something that has happened to them, we must understand the importance it holds:

María argued today with her best friend and arrives home crying. Her mother, who has already seen these fights almost every week and who already knows that the next day they will be friends again, doesn't give it importance. And María reproaches her:

"You never worry about what happens to me, you always tell me they're silly things and that tomorrow we'll be friends again!"

María's mother is possibly right, but that's of no use to her daughter because she is heartbroken and seeks the unconditional support of her mother.

Everything that is important for our children matters, even if it is, in the eyes of an adult, an insignificant event. We must listen to them and give them the importance it holds for them.

6. Don't use shouting

We must not use shouting to impose the rules because they will provoke more anger and more rebelliousness in the teenager. Now they can reason, they begin to use their mind like that of an adult. We must explain the rules, agree on them with them and even negotiate them.

If when our son/daughter tells us something they did wrong at high school, the first thing they hear is our shouting and our reproaches, we will achieve two things: one, that they don't listen to us, and two, that they never tell us anything again.

A teenager greatly values being treated with respect, and shouting is the worst disrespect we can show them.

7. Don't compare

Don't compare them with their siblings or with their friends. When we compare them we are telling them: "I don't like how you are, others do it better". This does not motivate, on the contrary, it generates little desire to improve, because it labels the person: you are bad at this; if you are bad at something, effort has no place because a label tells us how you are, and that gives the feeling that it can't be changed. But if you tell them: "I know you can do it better", you are telling them that you trust in their ability to do things well, and this does drive change, this does motivate them to bring out the best version of themselves.

8. Don't interrupt:

Let them finish, don't get ahead even if you know what comes after the first sentence. If you don't let them finish, they will never feel listened to and you will make them feel constantly judged.

9. Don't forget that they are no longer a child:

Treat them like an adult, especially in front of their friends. Avoid lecturing or criticizing them in front of people. Respect their personal space and their opinions, don't always want to impose yours, who knows, maybe they are right and you must change your point of view.

It's true that in adolescence the peer group is the most important thing. In childhood the family is the central axis of our children and we are their heroes. In adolescence, they already see our flaws, we are no longer their heroes, we can no longer heal a wound with kisses, and this is a loss that we must accept. But not all is lost, teenagers still need the security of home, for them it is important to be well with the family and to be able to count on them, and even though they don't like displays of affection in public, remember that they will indeed accept them in private, so don't stop giving them. Displays of affection are the best non-verbal communication we can offer our children, but remember never to do it in front of their friends ;)