7 keys to enjoying a fulfilling sexuality as a couple

Sex is full of myths and half-truths that often get in the way of our sexual and relationship life.

We live surrounded by messages about how we should live our sexuality, often contradictory or distorted messages. We have gone from taboo to disproportionate hypersexuality. It seems that everything revolves around sex and enjoying it to the fullest. Women have gone from not knowing what the clitoris is to being obliged to have an orgasm in every sexual encounter. Many times our beliefs and fantasies about how life as a couple and in sex should be lead us to feel pressured toward a perfection that is never reached.

But what strikes me most is that this change has taken place, yet it has not been accompanied by better sexual education. That is to say, myths from centuries ago prevail and we still experience sexuality through prejudices and stereotypes. There has been a lot of progress in the freedom to talk about sex and to make it explicit (in ads, in films, in conversations or TV programs) but in psychologists' offices we still keep coming across problems stemming from a lack of education, from feelings of guilt, from a lack of awareness of one's own sexuality, etc….

Life as a couple and sexuality are two things that go hand in hand. In couples therapy I always say that sex is like the thermometer that measures for me the severity of "this couple's illness", it tells me whether there is a high fever or a low one. It is hard to find couples in crisis who enjoy fabulous sex. Hard, though not impossible. That is why taking care of sex is just as important as taking care of any other part of life as a couple.

So I have decided to summarize in 7 points the essential keys to achieving that fulfilling sexuality with your partner:

1. Your sexuality starts with you

We cannot have good sex if we do not know our own body and our sexuality. For this there is nothing better than to experiment. Sex is learned by doing it, it is not something we can learn from a book. Therefore, masturbation and autoeroticism are key to getting to know ourselves. If I know what I like, I can communicate it.

2. Pleasure is much better when shared

There are few things more gratifying than seeing how your partner enjoys sex, your sex. To enjoy a healthy sexuality as a couple, the other person's pleasure must increase your own pleasure, because the other party's enjoyment matters to you and yours matters to them, there is reciprocity. Giving and receiving, and for that we need to know what my partner likes. How can I know? Read point 3.

3. Talk about sex with your partner

It is the most reliable way to know what they like. We can talk about sex after having it but also during it. Guiding our partner toward what we like with short phrases during sex, without long explanations, are phrases we all know:

"keep going like that"

"I really like that"

"not like that"

Right after having had sex is the best moment to talk…we are relaxed, satisfied and we can reinforce our partner in what we liked most. That way they will surely repeat it next time.

We can also talk about sex at any other moment, of course. The more we talk, the more we will get to know our partner.

4. Mindfulness in sex too

Mindfulness is increasingly used in sex therapy. Many sexual dysfunctions such as premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction or anorgasmia are closely related to the anxiety-inducing and automatic thoughts we have just before or during the sexual encounter ("I'm not too good" "I won't be able to" "it's going to happen to me again"…

Mindfulness helps us a lot to discipline our mind and make it focus on the here and now and on the sensations of my own body. Far from resorting to sexual fantasies to achieve an erection or orgasm, what it aims for is that you focus on your sensations and your arousal and do not let any other thought disturb you.

In a healthy sexual relationship, this usually happens automatically, although sometimes our mind wanders to other thoughts and then we lose the arousal of the moment. Who hasn't had that happen at some point? That is why it is so important, in sex as in life, to take full awareness of the moment.

5. The more sex, the more desire

Hasn't it ever happened to you that you have a super good streak of sex and the more you do it, the more you want it? And hasn't just the opposite happened to you, a sexual drought and a total loss of desire??

Well, there is an explanation: the more I practice sex, the more gratifying it is and then the more I associate it with something good, therefore my desire increases. It is a positive reinforcement mechanism that all psychologists know about but that only recently has also been associated with sexual desire.

So the moral is clear, practice sex whenever you can, no matter the moment, take advantage of it. Don't think about whether you have to get up early tomorrow or not, or whether you have a load of laundry to do or not, and don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today ;)

6. Sex doesn't always have to be the same

Neither good nor bad, just different. Sometimes it can be wild but other times it can be calm and slow. Sometimes it can be very satisfying and other times not so much. Sometimes I won't reach orgasm and nothing will happen because there are other things that I also love. We must learn that sex is not always the same nor does it have to be. We have to innovate and try, always things that both members of the couple agree on, mindful of reciprocity (giving and receiving).

Moreover, sex does not equal intercourse, sex is much more than intercourse. Sex is caresses and kisses, sex is touching and erotic massages, sex is everything. Why do we always end all sexual encounters in intercourse? Our society is very coital and makes us miss out on other equally satisfying facets of sex.

7. Sex is not intercourse

Sex begins long before intercourse and ends long after. Caresses, kisses, glances,…all of that is also sex. We devote little time to sexual play, we are a coital society.

In sex therapy, the prohibition of penetration is sometimes used to force the couple to experience sex in another way and to discover the power of non-genital physical contact.

Although we won't always have all the time in the world to devote to sex, every time we have the opportunity we should do it, we should spend our time having a lot of sexual play before penetration.

The female and male sexual responses are different:

The man has a fast arousal phase, being able to reach orgasm in a short time and afterward a refractory period in which he will not have an erection (which can be minutes or even hours and, from the age of 40 onward, 24 hours)

The woman has a slower arousal phase and takes longer to reach resolution or orgasm. Afterward she has no refractory period and that is why she can string one orgasm after another. Hence her multiorgasmic capacity.

The difference in these sexual responses explains why it is very important to allow time for play, so that the woman reaches penetration in a more advanced phase of arousal that makes her reach orgasm sooner. The man must control his arousal so as not to reach orgasm too soon, to know himself well in order to recognize the point of no return and be able to stop in time. Just by stopping for a few seconds, we will be able to continue the sexual practice without reaching orgasm and enjoy sex for a longer while.

For me, tantric sex is a great example to follow. Without going into details about this type of age-old doctrine, because tantra is not just sex, I am going to summarize what is important to me regarding sex. A kind of guide to follow:

• Devote time to setting the scene, to taking care of the surroundings with candles or scents, music. A pleasant and comfortable atmosphere.
• Pay attention to your partner's breathing, and to yours. Look them in the eyes. This greatly increases the connection.
• Seek to enjoy every moment, practicing mindfulness and devoting time to caresses that are not genital. Your whole body is sex. There is no rush to reach intercourse, let alone orgasm.
• Change the rhythm and intensity frequently during intercourse.
• Master the orgasm so you can enjoy more time with your partner. Remember the difference between the male and female sexual responses.

The fact that you don't fulfill all 7 points with your partner doesn't mean you can't have a good sexual relationship. It just means you should add points to your sex life to make it even better. Don't they say you always learn something new?