Discover the Best Way to Negotiate with a Teenager

Adolescence is a stage in which the individual undergoes physical, psychological, and social changes. It is a period in which they search for their own identity, in which they need to discover themselves, reflect, turn their gaze inward. That is why they spend so many hours shut away in their room, prefer to walk alone, etc.

Another change we find is that the child wants to differentiate themselves from their parents. They will express this new attitude through changes in their image and slang characteristic of their age group, which tend to be a source of conflict between parents and children.

Although they want freedom, they are still not adult enough to have complete independence. They also need clear rules and limits in order to feel secure. For this reason, it is essential that, as parents, we do not lose communication with our children, since proper use of communication is the fundamental tool for a good relationship with them. We are going to mention some guidelines to be able to communicate better with our teenager:

1. Decide on the right place and moment

If we have to argue with them to ask for explanations about something they have said or done, wait until you are alone with them. On the other hand, if you are going to praise them, it is sometimes good to do so in front of significant people.

If you see that it is not the right moment to argue, or the argument has simply gotten out of hand, use phrases like: "If you don't mind, we can keep talking about this... later".

2. Listen to them

Let them speak so that they can express their opinion while looking them in the eyes, maintaining an active face-to-face posture and not interrupting them. When they have finished, it will be our turn.

3. Empathize

By empathizing we mean putting ourselves in the other person's place and letting them know that we have understood them.

After having listened carefully to their opinion, we will begin our conversation with the teenager by giving a brief summary of what they have said, using phrases like: "If I have understood you correctly..." "I think you must feel quite angry about..." "I understand how you feel..."

4. Speak to them in the first person

It is not the same to say: "You always leave the room messy and you don't help me with anything, I have to do everything myself" as "it upsets me to see the room messy. I would like us all to be able to work together in the house"

On many occasions we address them by expressing our discomfort or feelings with a question or an imposing phrase that causes the other person to react by answering us back rudely or not answering at all. To avoid this discomfort, use messages in the first person (I) instead of messages in the second person (you). Messages in the second person make the teenager feel accused, hurt, guilty. On the other hand, messages in the first person allow us to express feelings without hurting anyone.

I feel (emotion) because (the specific and clear reason) and I would like (what change you expect).

5. Avoid negatives

Say I want instead of I don't want. Let's try to use the negative NO as little as possible.

6. Don't be interrogators

Questions put pressure on and point a finger at the other person.

Instead of saying: How will you get back home? Let's say, "I would like to know if you have already thought about how to get back home"

If we recast our questions as affirmative statements, we will avoid getting into endless arguments about topics that have nothing to do with the reason for the discussion.

7. Reach agreements

With teenagers, imposing no longer works; instead, you have to negotiate by reaching partial agreements. Let us remember that negotiating means reflecting, admitting mistakes, recognizing the part of the other person that is right... Negotiating is offering the teenager a positive example of how to solve problems, whether outside or inside the home.

To do this, it is necessary to offer several solutions, letting them be the ones to decide and take on the commitment, the responsibility of following through, and showing them that we trust they will do the right thing.