How to deal with envy in children

“No puedes ser envidioso y feliz al mismo tiempo”. -Frank Tyger.

What envy is

Envy is that feeling in which there is pain at not possessing oneself what the other has, whether goods or qualities or some other kind of tangible and intangible things.

Envy is an emotion that can appear in a child's first years and is expressed through tantrums, fits, aggressiveness, crying, lack of communication, etc. and they are often difficult to identify and control. That is why it is necessary for us to explain to them and help them learn to tolerate their frustrations and control impulsive behaviors. If they are more patient they will learn to get frustrated less. In addition, another point to work on is making them see how special they are by enhancing their qualities; this will make them compare themselves less with their peers.

Types of envy

There are two types of envy:

- Material envy: this is the one in which one desires others' objects (video games, toys, clothes, etc.)

- Social envy: wanting to have characteristics of another person because one lacks them or believes one does not possess them.

How to work on envy in children

Minimize comparisons with others

Try to avoid comparisons with others,

especially between siblings. We tend to think that by comparing them with others we motivate the child to succeed or to value what they have, but in reality what we do is increase their frustration at not reaching the goal, or simply make them do things in order to be like others, which causes envy to develop.

Put a name to the emotion

If your child tells you that “Pepito got a better grade than him” or that “He is faster at running” you can put a name to what they feel and tell them that this emotion exists in people. Why name it? Because if they do not know what they feel they may be more confused and may get more frustrated; on the other hand, accepting what they feel at that moment is a way of channeling the feeling and seeing it in a more objective way.

Value your child

The best way to combat envy is to enhance the good things your child has and make them feel like a unique and special being with certain qualities. Having adequate self-esteem helps them not tend to compare themselves with others because they are already happy with what they have.

We must also make them see their flaws and accept them.

Use failures as learning opportunities

Failing or making mistakes is not something negative but rather a way of explaining to them that sometimes in life things do not work out on the first try. With this we will make the child see it as an opportunity to look at it and make an effort to do it better.

“Experiencia es el nombre que le damos a nuestras equivocaciones” (Oscar Wilde)

Encourage them to make an effort for things

If we give them everything made easy, what we do is make the child not strive for things, and the result is that when they have to do them it will be harder for them or they simply will not try. This leads them to compare themselves with others who do them.

Effort is something that must be worked on from a very young age so that they value their OWN results.

Teach them to share

Two fundamental aspects to defeat envy are sharing with others, whether material or non-material. This makes them less selfish in addition to receiving positive feedback from the other. In addition, what we do is make him/her glad for the other.

Use material resources

Stories are a good tool for working on envy. Here I provide you with some:

- “Gato rojo, gato azul” by Jenni Desmond

- “Envidia” by Violeta Monreal

- “Cuando siento envidia” by Molly Wigand

- “Mi prima Carolina” by Michael Morpurgo