Can tantrums be positive? Can we teach emotional intelligence through them?

How many times do our children get angry and start throwing themselves on the floor, screaming and kicking? In how many situations have we felt trapped without knowing what to do? Is there anything positive about going through such a bad time?

Tantrums usually become a nightmare for parents, who, although they accept them as something typical of the age that will eventually pass with time, are not able to see their positive side.

Why do children have tantrums?

Tantrums are an explosion of emotions, very intense ones, that are expressed through crying, kicking, screaming… since, most of the time, they don't know how to express it in any other way. We usually associate tantrums with younger children, but adolescents and even adults can erupt in the form of a tantrum if they don't know how to express or manage the emotions they feel.

Tantrums in children, as we have mentioned, are accompanied by crying, screaming, kicking… in short, a large amount of poorly channeled anger. These intense outbursts make parents unsure of what to do to calm the situation down and talk things over calmly. It is very important that we empathize with our child and think that, just like us, they also need to express what they feel; the problem is that they don't know how to do it. They need to feel understood and to know that we can help them with everything that is happening to them. They need us to teach them new ways to channel their feelings and emotions.

What do tantrums contribute that is positive?

- They help release accumulated stress and tension. When our child cries and kicks, it serves as a release valve to get rid of the excess of stress hormones.

- They teach them how to do things in a different way. One of the main reasons for tantrums in children is frustration. When something doesn't turn out the way they wanted, they get angry and the tantrum begins, but once they have calmed down, they can resume what they were doing and achieve their goal. Tantrums serve to disconnect the pattern of behavior that was leading to failure and allow the child to act in a different, much more effective way.

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They allow them to learn refusals and rules**. Tantrums are learning opportunities. When a child receives a no as an answer, they often try to cross the limit to put us to the test. Tantrums are an opportunity for them to learn that there are rules and limits that must be respected. In this way they also develop tolerance to frustration.

- They teach them to react in a balanced and calm way. When our child throws a tantrum, talking to them at that moment is of no use to us. Their brain disconnects from our explanations and emotions take over. The best thing we can do is sit by their side and wait for them to calm down. When our child observes our serene and calm attitude when resolving conflicts, it helps them calm down and at the same time we teach them new ways to react to difficulties.

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We create stronger emotional bonds**. Tantrums are not something pleasant for either party. However, if we help our child manage and channel all their negative emotions, we are also building a deeper emotional bond with them, since they will feel that with us they have security and support, when the rest of the world seems to be going wrong.

”Teaching that leaves a mark is not the kind that is done from head to head, but from heart to heart.”

- They help develop emotional intelligence. Many times tantrums are the result of not knowing how to express and manage with words what is happening to us. When our child feels frustrated, angry or disappointed, they express it physically. However, each tantrum they experience can help them mature and develop their emotional intelligence. It is very important that after the tantrum we talk about what happened, and help them detect the first emotional signals that warn us that the tantrum is on its way. All young children have tantrums, and these determine emotional intelligence depending on how the parents approach them and work on them.

As a summary, it is important to keep the following points in mind when a child has a tantrum, in order to draw out the positive side of it:

- Help them understand that you don't always get what you want.

- Set rules and be clear about them, don't break them.

- Explain to them where the limits are.

- Speak to them in a calm voice, without shouting and in a confident way.

- Be by their side and don't tell them to be quiet with a shout, allow them to express their emotion.

- Wait for them to stop crying so you can talk with your child, but don't move away while they are calming down.

- If they have the tantrum in a public place, act the same way, calmly. Take them to a secluded place where they can calm down and let off steam, until you can talk with them.

“Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember, involve me and I learn”