# Why are people unfaithful? > Infidelity is more common than we imagine. How many of us have not suffered it at some point? Or have been unfaithful, even if we were... - **Author:** mireia-navarro-vera · **Category:** Adultos - **Published:** 2020-07-02 · **Updated:** 2020-07-03 - **URL:** https://elteuespai.com/en/why-people-are-unfaithful/ - _Translation pending clinical review._ --- Infidelity **is more common than we imagine**. How many of us have not suffered it at some point in our lives? Or have been unfaithful, even though we were young and irresponsible? Whatever the case, all of us, at some point in our lives, have experienced an infidelity. And it is not a pleasant thing. Years ago it seemed to be exclusive to men, but recently a study concludes that **30% of Spanish women say they have been unfaithful at some point** in their lives (a study conducted by the French Institute of Public Opinion (IFOP). In **couples therapy** we frequently find people who come so that we can help them overcome an infidelity. Today I want to talk to you about **the types of infidelities** that we may encounter. And the thing is that there is not just one kind of INFIDELITY, and therefore we **need to identify them** well before we can **solve them.** You may also be interested in our Video explanation https://youtu.be/SLXIgrNoYMs We can divide them into two types: ## The primary one I call it the Don Juan. It arises from a **strong need to seduce**. There are people who live in closed relationships (that is, where infidelity is not accepted and there is sexual and emotional exclusivity) but who are unable to stop seducing other people. They have a strong **need to be liked and to have sexual relations outside their relationship** as a couple. **They usually regret it when they are discovered**. That is to say, what they really want to avoid are the consequences that infidelity may have on their relationship, but not the infidelity itself. **As long as they are not discovered, the infidelities keep happening.** Behind all this we can find people with a **Narcissistic or histrionic personality.** That is why this type of infidelity is not suitable to be treated in couples therapy. It is better to do it in **individual therapy** as long as the unfaithful person decides that they no longer want to keep behaving this way because **the consequences of their behavior have made them lose important relationships in their life** and decides to work on that constant need to seduce or to be liked by others. The infidelities tend to be recurrent and with different people. ## The secondary one This type of infidelity **can appear in any kind of person at a given moment of their life and for different reasons**. But **it is not recurrent** as in the first case. It may be that this person **commits only one infidelity in their life** because certain circumstances have led them to do it. They usually feel regretful and guilty simply because of the mere fact of having been unfaithful, without needing to suffer the consequences of their actions. **There are several types**, I will only name the most frequent and relevant ones: ### Accidental: They usually occur **in a context different from the usual one**, such as a company dinner, a work trip,.. they are situations **that represent a parenthesis in your reality**. There is usually **an almost immediate regret**. Normally these infidelities **are not told** because the person believes it is not important enough to put their relationship at risk and they know that they will not see the person with whom they have been unfaithful again. It can also happen that it is confessed and forgiven. **It is frequent that this infidelity can be overcome without going to therapy.** If they come to couples therapy, it may happen that the partner does not know about it and even that it has nothing to do with the reason for the current relationship crisis. It may happen that the person who has been unfaithful prefers not to say it so as not to worsen the process they are going through or because they do not give importance to that event. One must **watch out if something like this appears in therapy because it can greatly worsen the prognosis**. Adding one more conflict to resolve to the crisis they already bring. The therapist will have to assess very carefully what to do with this information. ### Romantic: An infatuation appears, **a love at first sight**. The person **feels swept away by what they feel** and cannot stop feeling it. Sometimes **they ask their current partner for some time to be able to live out this new relationship**. Other times, just like it goes up and down, it does not go any further. Or it may even be that a new couple comes out of this infidelity. **It is dangerous and can end the relationship.** They do not usually come to therapy at the moment of the infidelity, they come two or three months later when they see that they cannot overcome it alone. There is **guilt, reproaches** and above all a great deal of **distrust and jealousy** toward the one who played the role of the "lover". **Lies have entered the relationship to stay**. First the lies in order to be able to see the other person and then come the lies when they are asked directly about the infidelity. How many months were you seeing them? Where did you do it? How many times? These are just some of the questions they will have to face. In an attempt not to cause more harm than has already been caused, they will lie and thus enter a spiral of lies and distrust that is very difficult to get out of. This type of infidelity **usually requires couples therapy in order to overcome it**. It is difficult for them to solve it on their own. What will be hardest to overcome is the DISTRUST. Every time the partner arrives late or looks at the phone and leaves it face down, all those things will make them suffer. **We could say that trust is what will take the longest to come back and what is most necessary** to restore. It will be one of the pillars of the work in couples therapy. **Circumstantial.** **It appears in a context of crisis in the couple**. There is dissatisfaction of whatever kind in the relationship, lack of communication, emotional distance, life cycle crisis, or any other type that ultimately leads them to an infidelity. They may have been in this crisis for years before it appears. Here **infidelity is a symptom**, it is the FEVER, which tells you that there is something in your body that is not working well. And so it must be treated in couples therapy as a symptom and **not as the cause**. Exactly like a fever, **infidelity has a function and that is to make** this couple REACT for better or for worse. It can manage to unite them or finish separating them. But it has come so as not to let everything continue the same. ![unfaithful partner talking on the phone with others](/images/blog/2020/06/pareja-infiel.webp) When they come to couples therapy this concept must be worked on a great deal because if they keep blaming the infidelity for their bad relationship they will not move forward. Infidelity is only the result of their crisis, it is not their crisis. If it is worked on well and both of them want to bet everything on their relationship, despite the infidelity, the result is usually **a second honeymoon.** **The circumstantial one is much more difficult to work on when the romantic one is also added to it**, that is, when the person who has been unfaithful falls in love with the "lover". Here again it may happen that the result is a new couple. DOES INFIDELITY EXIST IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS? There are more and more couples who decide to have an **open relationship** so that they can enjoy other relationships without endangering their love. It can **be a solution to monotony or to the need to have new and different experiences.** But all that glitters is not gold, because these couples are going to have to **define very well what is allowed and what is not.** Not everything goes. Many ban a sentimental relationship with another person, exclude relationships that involve something more than sex and many times do not allow being involved more than once with the same person. In some way, they protect their relationship as something more special and emotional, leaving for the other relationships more sexual and seduction-related meanings. **In open relationships infidelities do not occur because the two people consent to the relationship with others.** **Or perhaps they do?** Perhaps when one of the two breaks the rules, it may be seen as an infidelity. Because, deep down, **an infidelity is nothing more than a transgression of a rule, it is a direct attack on the trust you place in the other person.** That is why they are so difficult to overcome. Because to trust again someone who has been unfaithful to you and who therefore has lied and deceived you to do it, is the most complicated thing. **LIES sometimes hurt more than INFIDELITY itself.**