# Why do I always end up in a toxic relationship? > It's normal for people who go through a toxic relationship to fall back into another one. Their self-esteem is severely affected, which makes them even more... - **Author:** mireia-navarro-vera · **Category:** Pareja - **Published:** 2017-02-02 · **Updated:** 2018-02-15 - **URL:** https://elteuespai.com/en/why-i-always-end-up-in-a-toxic-relationship/ - _Translation pending clinical review._ --- No matter how hard you try, **do you always end up choosing the worst partner?** Do all **your relationships tend to fail** and leave you in a coma until you manage to recover? Even though your romantic relationships make you feel bad, **it's hard for you to leave them and the suffering leads you to great emotional exhaustion**. If you identify with these statements, this article is for you. **It's normal for people who go through a toxic relationship to fall back into another one**. Their self-esteem is severely affected and that makes them even more vulnerable to falling into another relationship of this kind, and this can lead them to a whole **lifetime of failed relationships** that do nothing but lower their self-esteem and close that circle from which it is sometimes difficult to escape. > *No hay amor suficiente capaz de llenar el vacío de una persona que no se ama a sí misma (Irene Orce).* ## What makes you fall into toxic relationships over and over again? ### Your low self-esteem ![Woman dependent on her partner](/images/blog/2017/02/mujer-triste-300x171.webp)If you don't love or value yourself, it's hard for someone else to do so. It's **that feeling that makes you believe you don't deserve anything better**, that this is all you can aspire to, or that it's "normal" in a relationship. **You don't believe in yourself, in your right to be happy.** [Work on your self-esteem](/en/discover-how-to-boost-your-self-esteem/) and demand that your partner love and respect you. But first you have to do it yourself. ### You think love is enough I love you and that's it, I give everything for you and for our love. You already know what I always say: **"love is necessary but not enough"** **It's as if you assumed that suffering is part of love**. That a couple should love each other and that's it, the rest will come on its own. **But it's not like that, love is not enough**, **a relationship is** something more: it's **a source of well-being, of respect, of care and of mutual love.** You must stop thinking this way, **fall madly in love** if you want **but afterwards, take a test and [analyze whether that relationship is healthy](/en/discover-if-your-relationship-is-healthy/)** ### You have emotional dependence ![Emotional dependence](/images/blog/2017/02/dependencia-emocial-300x169.webp) **You find it hard to be alone, you need the approval of others to feel good**. When we are little and we do something, we look at our parents' faces to know whether what we're doing is right or wrong; if they smile at us and say: "very good, sweetheart," we already know it's right and we feel great. **When we grow up** this has to disappear **and we have to be the ones to tell ourselves: "very good, sweetheart" "you did it great".** In this maturation process, there are many people who stay with external recognition and who **do not move on to their own. This will make them depend on the recognition of others to feel good.** **People with emotional dependence try to make up for emotional deficiencies** (perhaps from the past) and expect the other person to give them what they themselves are not able to give themselves. This feeling leads them to beg for affection and that's when romantic disagreements can begin. ### You find it hard to do things alone **To do some activity you need someone to come with you**. You wouldn't go to the gym alone or to yoga or salsa classes. **The fear of being alone** may be behind that emotional dependence we talked about in the third point, and there is only one way to overcome fears, which is by facing them. Sign up for a course where you don't know anyone, go for a coffee alone; learning to be alone should be your next challenge. This fear may stem from overprotection by your parents or simply because you've never done it since it's not the norm, but **this also makes you dependent**. **There is no greater satisfaction than doing things by yourself; it makes you feel autonomous and self-sufficient. Try it, you'll see how good it feels!!** ### You feel insecure ![Low self-esteem](/images/blog/2017/02/autestima-baja-300x151.webp) **When your self-esteem is low and your dependence is high, you tend to feel insecure in romantic relationships**. You often think that at any moment they might meet someone more interesting than you. This puts you in a losing position. You need the other person to cling to you. Their independence and autonomy make you nervous because it shows you how dependent you are. **This insecurity makes you cling to any relationship like a drowning person to a straw.** ### You don't take responsibility for your personal well-being **Personal well-being, as its name indicates, is personal and non-transferable**. It's a mistake to think it doesn't depend on you. You are the only one responsible for your well-being; you are the one in charge of providing it for yourself. **You can't wait for others to provide it for you** because then you probably never will. If we all took care of our well-being, relationships would benefit. Perhaps we should introduce a subject in school so that all children learn to take care of their own well-being. Do those things you love so much but don't do, and you'll see how your well-being grows. **Stop putting in others' hands what should be in your own hands.** ## Conclusions If you work on these weak points, you'll feel more secure and that will mean you won't depend on a partner to give you what you don't have. A partner can't be a missing piece of you, can't be the source of your autonomy or your well-being; that's yours, take it now!