# What we need to know about tantrums and how to manage them > You'll be glad to know that tantrums are part of children's maturation process. At least it's a relief to know that we're not the only parents in the... - **Author:** mireia-navarro-vera · **Category:** Adultos - **Published:** 2015-03-22 · **Updated:** 2023-03-10 - **URL:** https://elteuespai.com/en/what-we-need-to-know-about-tantrums-and-how-to-manage-them/ - _Translation pending clinical review._ --- You'll be glad to know that tantrums are part of children's maturation process. At least it's a relief to know that we're not the only parents in the world who suffer them and that our children are not little screaming, crying monsters. **Tantrums are children's response to their frustration**. When something doesn't go the way they want, when we say no to something, or simply when they're sleepy or tired, they experience that mix of negative emotions they don't know how to manage and that they vent with **screams**, crying and kicking. Anyone who has been through them knows what I'm talking about. They usually appear around age 2 and should last until ages 4-5. All children have a tantrum at some point in their life. Although there are some for whom it seems to be their way of life. **Why do some children have more tantrums than others?** It may be due to their own temperament or because the parents, without knowing it, have reinforced them. Some children are much more expressive than others and these are usually the children who have the most tantrums. Keys to preventing them: ### 1. Predict them We must be attentive to these **tantrums**, observe when they appear and try to understand why they have occurred. If the child is tired or hasn't had a nap, they will be more likely to appear, so in these cases, we should avoid conflicts and try to get them to sleep as soon as possible. If we are good observers, we will be able to see when one is about to appear; at that moment we must distract our child with some pleasant activity or with anything. Normally any distraction tends to be useful. ### 2. Choose well when to say NO If we know that saying a NO usually ends with a tantrum from our child, we should choose very carefully what we say no to and what we don't. We are going to spend our energy on what is really important and we are not going to say no systematically to everything. Some parents are afraid of spoiling their children when they give in to one of their requests and for this reason they tend to systematically say no to everything. But letting our child have an opinion sometimes or choose something is not spoiling. We have to save the **NO**s for really important things; for everything else, we will let them do it or we will negotiate. ### 3. Be attentive to their needs Normally **tantrums appear in moments of stress**, in which we parents do not pay attention to our children's needs. In the mornings when we're late for school or when we're late for a family gathering. In these moments, we stop attending to them and we also transmit our own stress to them and they decide that the best thing is to put on one of their little scenes that will further increase our anxiety level and will end in screaming from both sides and guaranteed war, making us arrive even later to school. How do we avoid it? By getting up earlier in the morning. Time is our responsibility; they have no notion of time, they don't know what being late is, they don't know what 5 minutes are, they don't even know whether there's school today. We are the ones who must arrive early and organize the morning well, and we cannot make our children responsible for this. Understanding this will save us many tantrums. ### 4. Warn before frustrating When we leave the park or stop doing an activity that is pleasant for them, it's a good moment for a tantrum. One way to avoid them is to keep warning that the time to leave is coming. It's about not frustrating them all at once and gradually saying that the time to change activities is coming. ### 5. Routine and rest [![Sleeping child](/images/blog/2015/03/nino-durmiendo-300x200-1.webp)](/images/blog/2015/03/nino-durmiendo-300x200-1.jpg)**Routine** is our great ally. Young children need to know what comes now; it greatly calms them to know what is going to be done at each moment, which is why routine gives them security. When we skip their schedules and their rest times we increase the likelihood that tantrums will appear. Therefore, whenever possible, **we will respect their habits**. But even if we do it as best as possible and are very attentive, sooner or later we will suffer one of these dreaded tantrums and in those moments we must know how to act. ## What to do when our child has a tantrum? ### 1. Ignore During the tantrum, **we must ignore the behavior** and wait for them to calm down. We make sure they can't hurt themselves and we withdraw our attention. If we're in the middle of the street or we have to leave, we pick them up in our arms without looking at them and without talking to them and we take them away from there. Scolding the child at that moment will only add more anger to the situation and make the tantrum last longer. The child, in the middle of a tantrum, is not going to listen to us, so giving a lecture or trying to reason with them will be a waste of time. ### 2. Don't give in If the tantrum started because they asked us for something and we said no, **we have to be firm and never give them what they asked for.** If our child gets what they want with a tantrum, the message we are giving them is: when I tell you no to something, you put on a little scene and you'll see how in the end you get it. And we will reinforce the tantrum, ensuring this behavior continues beyond age 5. ### 3. Give a hug When they start to calm down, **we must not be afraid to give them a hug**. It is very likely that, after a tantrum, the child will seek our affection. We must not be afraid to give it to them. Staying angry with them will only serve to prolong the tantrum further. **They have just had a hard time, they have experienced negative emotions and now they need our affection.** ### 4. Put a name to what happened Many times, we know exactly why those tantrums occur and we must help our children to understand and process it: "I understand that you're angry because you wanted to stay longer at the park, but it was bath time and we had to go home; tomorrow we'll go back to the park to play." In this way we tell them, on the one hand, that we understand them and, on the other, we help them put a name to the emotion they have experienced. ### 5. Offer a pleasant activity Once the tantrum is over, we can offer to do some activity that we know they will like and that will help them feel better; they need to hold on to a success. "Would you like us to read a story together?" And once upon a time, the tantrum has ended! We invite you to visit our online school for parents with children aged 6 to 12. For more information [contact us.](/en/contact/)