# What is emotional detachment? Does it help us be freer?

> Every summer I set myself a goal, sometimes it is to read a book I have been wanting to read for a while but never found the moment for, sometimes it is to do...

- **Author:** mireia-navarro-vera · **Category:** Adultos
- **Published:** 2017-11-23 · **Updated:** 2020-06-13
- **URL:** https://elteuespai.com/en/what-is-emotional-detachment/
- _Translation pending clinical review._

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**Every summer I set myself a goal**, sometimes it is to read a book I have been wanting to read for a while but never found the moment for, sometimes it is to do more sport. Last year, if I remember correctly, it was to spend more time with my children and this year I decided to practice detachment. And although I cannot see the face you make when reading this, I sense it is the same one my family and friends made when I told them.

It has been very funny and we have made a thousand jokes about it. It has been the star joke of the summer.

But what has become clear to me is that **this concept is not understood** and it is not understood **because it is not at all easy.** However, **detachment is talked about more and more** because it is fundamental for our **mental health** and our **happiness**. So we will go step by step, first we will define it and then we will give the points to be able to put it into practice.

## First let's look at the definition of attachment

To define detachment, **first you have to understand what attachment is:**

*”Attachment is an emotional state of dependence on a thing, on a situation or person”.*

The first to define it was **the psychologist John Bowlby**. According to him, **attachment behavior has two** basic **functions**: **a biological function**, which is to obtain protection to ensure survival, **and the other of a more psychological nature**, that of acquiring security.

It is clear that when we are born we depend on others for our survival and that is why attachment is so important. But here I am not going to talk about the theories of attachment, of which there are many and very interesting ones. I will do that in another article.

What I do want to emphasize is that **for Buddhists attachment is an attitude that overestimates the qualities of an object or person and then clings to it.** I attach myself to people, situations or things until I make them necessary for me and thus I become dependent on them. As you can see, the concept of attachment here is different.

For me, **the definition of attachment has a bit of both definitions**. **Attachment in childhood** is necessary to grow because it **nourishes you, above all, emotionally** and helps you go out into the world **more secure**. But this attachment can **turn into a need for the other** to feel secure and this in adulthood is a problem. Attachment to a person, to a situation or to a thing can **lead me to think that it is indispensable in my life** and that, sooner or later, will make me suffer and depend. If I depend on something or someone, I stop being free.

There are many [toxic relationships](/en/why-i-always-end-up-in-a-toxic-relationship/) that originate in poor attachment and emotional dependence.

**Marketing has been the first one interested in fostering attachment,** in **generating needs where there are none**. I have a phone that works but a better one comes to the market, I do not really need it because I already have one, but a new need is generated in me.

At this point you will wonder, **does that mean attachment is good or bad?** Well, once again, I confirm that the same thing can be bad and good at the same time. **Attachment is necessary to grow,** to feel secure, to nourish ourselves emotionally and its function is for us to be autonomous and independent adults. Therefore, **attachment must give way to detachment** sooner or later. I cannot depend on my parents all my life to feel secure because it is likely that I will lose them along the way. **Nothing lasts forever,** therefore if I cling to something and lose it, I will suffer.

## Now yes, what is detachment?

Detachment misunderstood may seem like pure selfishness, but nothing could be further from the truth. **Practicing detachment does not mean breaking bonds** with everything that is important to me, nor does it even mean stopping having goals or wanting things. Rather it means that even though I want something, I do not need it to live happily.

![small or large house detachment](/images/blog/2017/11/casa-grande-o-casa-pequena.webp)

I can want a **bigger** house, but **I can at the same time learn to appreciate the one I have**, to value the good it has, to improve what I do not like, to be grateful for the luck of having a roof and understand that **even if I want a bigger house, I do not need it to live**. This house I have now already makes me happy, it meets all my needs. Maybe, one day I will buy a bigger house, but even so, I will not have lived only thinking about that, I will have enjoyed the journey. Or maybe, I will never buy it and even so I will be happy with what I have.

**This is the power of detachment**, I do not stop wanting things or people, I simply **stop clinging to it as if it were the only important thing.** It is to walk looking at the path and not at the result. Excesses put chains on us and do not let us be free.

In our **personal relationships**, detachment is **key to our well-being**. I can relate to you in a freer way, leaving spaces for individuality. I choose you but I do not need you, I prefer to be with you but I can be without you. I enjoy sharing my time with you, but I do not live with the fear of losing you. **Love stops being need to be only love.**

*”Detachment is learning to love, to appreciate what we have and to get involved in relationships in a healthier and more balanced way”*

Easy, right?

Well now let's put it into practice:

## How do I put it into practice?

![detachment](/images/blog/2017/11/desapego-300x180.webp)

Here are some of the steps that I myself have followed. As a therapist I work on them daily with my patients in our personal growth sessions. It is not always simple but the results are wonderful.

### Take care of your personal backbone

**You are responsible for yourself**. Do not try to leave this responsibility to others. No one should take care of you, except yourself. No one should remove the stones from your path, nor walk for you. If you want to go to the gym, go, do not expect someone to sign you up, find a slot in your schedule and encourage you to go. **That is your responsibility.**

**You are the architect of your life and of every step you take.**

Cultivate your own happiness, feel responsible, mature, become aware of your decisions and their consequences, choose for yourself and never let your well-being and your mental health always depend on other people's hearts.

**That's enough waiting for others to do your work and make you happy**, because that is not going to happen. Take the reins of your life and your personal well-being, because as its name indicates, your well-being is **personal and non-transferable.**

### Live your present and accept it

Have you heard of [**mindfulness**](/en/how-mindfulness-improves-your-life-and-your-childrens/)? Live here and now. Stop living in the past or in the future because an excess of past is sadness and an excess of future anxiety. **Living and dealing only with the present is much easier** than living thinking about that past we can no longer fix or that future which is uncontrollable and sometimes uncertain. We will only be able to enjoy what we do when our body and our mind are aligned.

To help your mind focus on the present, there is nothing better than starting to practice meditation to achieve it.

**Accept that things are this way**, not everything is under our control. Life flows and nothing prevails. Everything is in constant change and I must learn to accept and stop trying to change everything and control everything. Many times things are the way they are, by their natural order and I just have to sit down and watch. **We must learn to be more observers than judges**. Not to judge people or things so much and understand that they are the way they are, neither better nor worse, they simply are.

*”If I live in the present and accept it, without judging it, I will manage to live in peace”*

![live the moment poster](/images/blog/2017/11/vive-el-momento-257x300.webp)

### Learn from change

Life is in constant change, nothing endures and everything moves. The world keeps turning and the days pass and none is exactly the same. Knowing how to **adapt to change is essential** for survival, because it is the natural way of things.

Friends will leave and others will come, the people we love will disappear or die, children will grow up and you will grow old, it is a universal law.

**Attachment does not help me move forward** through changes, when everything around me changes, I must change too, I cannot cling to the past, nor to things, nor to people, because I will remain anchored, clinging to the pain of loss.

Every change and every crisis are going to help me grow as a person. We must learn to accept changes and to make the most of them. This does not mean that we should not cry over a loss, we must cry over it, accept it, dry our tears and keep walking.

That is why detachment is so necessary.

There is an ideal book to understand this that [I recommend to you](https://www.amazon.es/%C2%BFQui%C3%A9n-llevado-queso-Narrativa-empresarial/dp/8495787091/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=sl1&tag=360k-21&linkId=4d83f1a079562281bc0763bc79c648b2):

[![cover of the book Who Moved My Cheese?](/images/blog/2017/11/mi-queso-194x300.webp)](https://www.amazon.es/%C2%BFQui%C3%A9n-llevado-queso-Narrativa-empresarial/dp/8495787091/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=sl1&tag=360k-21&linkId=4d83f1a079562281bc0763bc79c648b2)

### Be grateful for what you already have

Too often, we find ourselves living in our desires. **Focused on what we lack, on what we do not have**. Then a **feeling of dissatisfaction** that is difficult to manage invades us.

We must **teach our mind to focus more on what it already has** than on what it lacks, because otherwise we run the risk of becoming the eternally dissatisfied. Because I am going to tell you a secret: **there will always be something we lack.**

Once again, detachment will be our great ally. When I do not cling to things turning them into the center of my life, I am happier and freer. Because I do not generate a need. I can have goals, I can want to have something that I still do not have right now and forge a path to achieve it. What I cannot do is cling to that goal as if it were indispensable for my happiness.

*”If you are not happy with what you have, you will hardly be so with what you lack”*

To help you do it, there is **an exercise** that I often use in therapy, that of **gratitude**: for two weeks, **each day before you go to sleep, thank life for three things you have and do not repeat a single one in those 15 days.** You will discover the amount of things you already have and that you never value. Feeling gratitude for what I have brings me closer to happiness than feeling only longing for what I do not yet have.

## Conclusions

*”Everything you need to be happy already goes with you, stop looking for it outside and practice detachment” ;)*