# The most common mistakes that separated parents make > In our day-to-day work as psychologists we see separations quite frequently, we mediate in divorces and we attend trials where the custody of children is debated... - **Author:** mireia-navarro-vera · **Category:** Adultos - **Published:** 2016-10-18 · **Updated:** 2020-11-10 - **URL:** https://elteuespai.com/en/most-common-mistakes-separated-parents-make/ - _Translation pending clinical review._ --- In our day-to-day work as psychologists we see separations quite frequently, we mediate in divorces and we attend trials where the custody of children is debated. Many parents ask me **Will I traumatize my child if I separate?** and I always answer the same thing: **it depends on how you separate**. It is not divorce per se that can harm our children, it is how we adults are going to face this process and how we are going to convey it to them. **At the beginning of the process**, everything is quite complicated and the wound is open. **This is when they will need the most help and support from professionals**. But afterwards they will go home and will have to **relate to their ex for years and years,** until their children are independent adults. That is, a great many years. So the best thing will be to get along well. The opposite will lead them to a life full of **cross-complaints and emotional distress** that will wear down their lives and those of their children. **We leave you our Video** https://youtu.be/OlSP01xUKVU Good guidance at the beginning can help a lot in this process. But afterwards there remain those little day-to-day traps that are very easy to fall into: ## Speaking ill of the other parent to the child We must not do it, neither when we do it on purpose nor when we believe our child cannot hear us. This is one of the most frequent **mistakes that we can make almost without realizing it.** We are hurt with our ex and it is easy to fall into criticism. We must not disparage them. We cannot forget that our ex is still their father or mother and our criticism is going to hurt them. **Nor should we allow grandparents or aunts and uncles or any other relative to criticize our ex in front of the children.** They must be kept out of all this because they are not going to understand it, we will only manage to harm them gratuitously. ## Interrogating the child when they arrive from the other's house We are human and we make mistakes. We want to **know what they have done**, where they have gone, **who they have been with** or even whether the great-aunt is still angry with her niece, we want to know what keeps happening in that family since I am no longer there. We want to know whether they have a better time with the other parent than with me. We want to know where they went so I can go too. **We want to know whether they had a good time, just in case they have a better time than with me**…. And so, **we subject our children to an interrogation more befitting the CIA than a parent.** It is important that we learn to manage our own emotions, what the separation makes us feel, and to seek support from other adults or perhaps from a professional. We must avoid pouring all of this onto our children. The right thing would be to wait for our child to tell us whatever they feel like about what they did that weekend, at their own pace and choosing what is interesting to tell for him or her. **Without adding value judgments**: "well, now they go to the cinema and before they didn't even want to set foot in it, what a coincidence!!" ## Criticizing our ex's partner ![divorces what you must not do with your children](/images/blog/2016/10/discutiendo-delante-hijos.webp) It is hard to come to terms with them rebuilding their life and it is hard to leave our children in those hands that we don't know at all. So the easy thing is going to be to fall into criticism. **Who hasn't come across their child telling them "it's that dad's girlfriend or mom's boyfriend told me off because…."** and you catch yourself answering and who is she or he to tell you anything as stuck-up as they are…. And that's it, **we have already fallen into mistake number 3.** Our child **has to learn to live with that boyfriend or girlfriend and it is going to be hard for them especially at the beginning, so let's not make it more difficult for them** by adding fuel to the fire. **If we want the best for them, we know that we must help them accept the new situation**: that mom and dad are no longer together and that so-and-so is going to be part of their life from now on. Even if sometimes it is hard even for us ourselves to accept it. ## Calling at all hours when they are at the other's house It seems that we are better parents if we are constantly calling and asking how they are and what they are doing. But, is the need to call theirs or ours? Why can't we leave them in peace in their other life? Is it really concern? It is hard to let go of the reins but it is what we have to do. **Our children from now on are going to have another life, another life in which we are not going to be present, and this is very hard to accept.** ## Talking about money with our children Who pays for the clothes or who pays for the school. Whether or not the alimony is paid to me. **These are adult matters and not children's matters**. We must not talk to them about this topic, even if it is hard for us. They must stay out of it. Isn't it true that we wouldn't talk about that if we were married? So let's not do it when we divorce. ## Using the child as a messenger > *"Tell your father that the next time he wants to…."* "Tell your mother that when she remembers to give me clothes because I don't have a single pair of pants to put on you" "Tell your mother that your arrival time is at 8 p.m. and not 8:15 p.m." ![Arguing in front of the children](/images/blog/2016/10/discutir-delante-hijos.webp) **We must take on our responsibility and discuss these things directly**. Besides, nowadays we have it easy with WhatsApp. Let's not use our children to convey these bad vibes to each other, let's be more adult and sensible. **It is not fair to make them part of this.** ## Criticizing the other parent's parenting style "I bet your father would give you a slap and that's it" "Since your mother lets you do everything" We have to **respect that each home is going to have a different parenting style**. This **would also happen if we lived together, sometimes the styles are different and one has more patience in some things than the other**. And this is not necessarily good or bad, it can even be complementary if we know how to handle it. With separated parents it is exactly the same. **The ideal would be to agree on the basic things of our children's upbringing and, in addition, to respect the parenting style that each one has so as to make it complementary.** ## Trying to make them more ours than theirs To accept that we are not the only ones who are necessary and going to contribute good things to the child. **The other parent also has much to contribute to them and the right to be part of the child's integral upbringing**. Loving their father does not necessarily mean loving their mother less, nor the other way around. The love toward parents is not inversely proportional, fortunately. They can love us both and don't have to choose nor feel that we force them to do so.