# How to Exercise Authority in Adolescence > Although it seems they no longer need anything from us and that everything bothers them, adolescents still need us to set limits because those limits guide them and tell them... - **Author:** mireia-navarro-vera · **Category:** Adolescentes - **Published:** 2019-05-16 · **Updated:** 2019-05-17 - **URL:** https://elteuespai.com/en/how-to-exercise-authority-in-adolescence/ - _Translation pending clinical review._ --- Although it seems they no longer need anything from us and that everything bothers them, adolescents still need us to set limits, because limits guide them and tell them: "I still care about you." Several studies agree in describing 4 parenting styles: ### 1. Authoritarian: The authoritarian style is characterized by high demands and discipline. Good behavior is sought. Few displays of affection and little sensitivity to the adolescent's needs. Frequent use of punishment. ### 2. Neglectful: The neglectful parent neither controls nor shows affection. Sometimes they even delegate their roles to other people (grandparents, etc.). They do not even bother to set limits. The adolescent perceives that their parents don't care. ### 3. Permissive: The permissive style would be the opposite pole of the authoritarian one: little control and a lot of affection. The parent positions themselves as an equal. "If you are your child's friend, you leave them an orphan." ### 4. Democratic: The democratic parent shows both control and affection. They take an interest in the adolescent's needs. There is flexibility and family communication is good. Parents set limits, although they are able to be flexible or to negotiate them. Obviously, the democratic style should be the one chosen. It maintains a balance between affection and control. My child obeys me out of respect and not out of fear. ## What limits should I set for the adolescent? ### 1. Obedience and respect: That they speak to us correctly, without shouting or rude back-talk. Although, logically, they will do it. In adolescence it is very common for rude back-talk to increase, and that is why respect must be earned. If I shout at them, talk back rudely, or lose my composure when they behave explosively, I will hardly earn their respect. When there is a situation of emotional loss of control, where our child becomes overwhelmed, fills with anger, and talks back to us, the last thing they need is for us to become overwhelmed too, because then, who is the adult and who is the adolescent? In situations like this, wait for calm to arrive and afterward tell them that they should not talk back to you like that, nor disrespect you, just because they are angry. Only once the storm has passed will they be able to reason and they will probably apologize to you. The best way to be respected is by example, by respecting them first. That they continue to follow the rules, although these will not be rigid as they were in childhood; they will be negotiable and agreed upon (those that can be, of course). ### 2. Autonomy and responsibility That they collaborate in household chores, their room, that they take care of their things... All parents of adolescents experience the daily struggle over the tidiness of their room. Suddenly it seems they like mess, and leaving dirty underwear on the floor must be in fashion. Let's not forget that in adolescence the second stage of oppositional behavior is experienced: everything is no and everything is for later. You have to arm yourself with patience. I always tell parents: How long did it take you to get your child to brush their teeth on their own and without having to remind them? It took me years. So I don't count on them tidying their room on the first try either. ### 3. Time planning Times for coming and going, time devoted to leisure activities, study, new technologies... In short, basically that they don't spend the whole day playing on the PlayStation or on social media, that they also devote time to other things. That they don't come home too late and that they fulfill their obligations (studying or working...). We spend a large part of adolescence like this, controlling the schedule. It is important that we set few limits, only the important ones, and that we are consistent and firm with them. We are not going to fight over everything; choose your battles wisely. ## Should we use punishment when they don't follow the rules? I am increasingly clear that punishment does not teach and that whether or not I use it will not make my children obey me more or less. I stopped punishing in my house a long time ago and the truth is that everything stays the same: they have good days when they obey and do everything quite well, and days when their room is a minefield. So I have come to the conclusion that punishing does not guarantee me success; on the contrary, what it guarantees me is bad moments, conflict, and distancing (especially in adolescence). In the article [parenting without punishment](/en/educate-without-punishing-possible/), I talk at length about this. ### So what do we do when they don't follow the rules?: #### Avoid the parental lecture: If they have done something wrong, they already know it; they don't need you to tell them. "You should have done this." Avoid giving advice, nobody likes it. You can use some story from your adolescence if you want, to help them understand better what has happened to them; for example, if they have had some problem with drugs, explaining the case of a friend of yours and how they solved it would be much more advisable than giving them a lecture for having used. #### We learn through consequences: Let them make mistakes because it is the best way to learn. We can also use this natural tendency of learning for when they don't follow the rules: If they arrive late for dinner, let them have to make it themselves or clear the table because we had to leave it set until the adolescent arrived. #### Give a heads-up: Before going out, your room has to be tidied. This is much better than "you're not going out with your friends because you haven't tidied your room." In the first option you are giving them the opportunity to do it and you are not generating conflict, therefore you have a greater chance of success. In the second option you are ensuring a confrontation with the adolescent, and if on top of that, after the battle, they go out without tidying it, then you really will have lost. Because in addition to using punishment, you will have done it badly. ## Small conclusions Adolescence is a **time of changes**, and our children suffer them more than anyone. Their **emotions are on edge** and more than ever they **need adults who show them the path** to follow **from the calm that they don't have**. And although they often reject our displays of affection, they still need them; they still need to **know that we are there for them, caring about them and educating them**, but above all loving them above any bad behavior. Setting limits for them also tells them, in some way, we are still here, we still care about you. Remember the neglectful style that neither controls nor gives affection and therefore neglects their child. **Exercising authority without shouting, without becoming emotionally overwhelmed, and without abusing punishment must be our challenge.** An authority based on mutual respect and not on coercion. An environment where the adolescent is also listened to, letting them participate even in the rules we set, will give us many more chances of success. Educate positively!