# How and When to Talk About Sex With Our Children > The textbook definition would be: - **Author:** mireia-navarro-vera · **Category:** Infantil - **Published:** 2015-03-09 · **Updated:** 2016-11-18 - **URL:** https://elteuespai.com/en/how-and-when-to-talk-about-sex-with-our-children/ - _Translation pending clinical review._ --- ## ## How to talk about sex? The textbook definition would be: 1. You must always tell the truth 2. You must adapt the vocabulary and the content to the developmental age of our child I'm not surprised that when parents read this, they end up telling the story of the stork that comes from Paris!! Let's look at it point by point: First point, always telling the truth means that even if I don't tell **THE WHOLE truth**, everything I say must be true. That is, everything I explain is faithful to the truth, I don't use any lie, and what I think they won't understand (for example, penetration) I will omit, at least for now. This way our child will trust us, when it comes to** sex**, because we will always have told them the truth. If we tell them the story of the stork, when they are a teenager and have a doubt they will think: "uuufff I won't even ask my parents because, the last time** sex was talked about at home**, they told me some tall tale about a bird that brought babies in its beak!!!" Second point, **adapting the vocabulary and the content means saying it clearly**, with accessible words to make our children understand it and asking, at the end, whether it has been understood or not. To a 5-year-old child, you can't explain that the parents make love and the sperm reaches the egg. You should tell them that in order for them to be born, mommy and daddy loved each other very much, kissed and hugged, and from that desire, a baby was made that, for 9 months, lived in mommy's tummy until it was born (in this sentence there are no lies, only omissions of what is not appropriate for their age because they won't understand it). There are many books that can help us explain sex to our children much better, with drawings, with appropriate vocabulary, etc…. Books for children aged 3 to 6: • Andreae, G. (2001) Mamá tiene una casa en la barriga. Barcelona. • Beascoa. Cole, B. (1993) Mamá puso un huevo o cómo se hacen los niños. Barcelona. Ed. Destino. • Giommi, R., Perrota, M. (1995) Programa de educación sexual. 3 a 6 años. Ed. Everest Books for children aged 6 to 10: • Boeck, J., Felsmann, I. (1996) La mare s'ha enamorat . Ed. • Herder. Barcelona. • Giommi, R., Perrota, M. (2004) Programa de educación sexual. 7 a 10 años. Ed. Everest. • Mayle, P. (1973) ¿De dónde venimos?. Maeva Jung. Reading these books with our children will help us know how to say it, without fear of not doing it well. The best thing is to have it ready at home for when the occasion arises. For those couples with situations different from mom and dad, there are also books such as Paula tiene dos mamás by Leslea Newman or Bienvenido a la familia by Mary Hoffman and Ros Asquith (Editorial Juventud). This last book talks about the different ways in which a child can come into a family: natural birth, adoption, foster family, single-parent families, same-sex families, and they give a positive message: each family is different but equally important. Otherwise, I think the explanation won't change much, the two loved each other very much, hugged each other and wished to have a baby, went to the doctor who helped them get it or looked for a very special baby and depending on the age, we will give them more or fewer explanations. ## When to talk about sex? If you are waiting for **adolescence to talk about sex** with your children, then you are running late. At that age it is likely that, if these topics have never been talked about at home, they will look for information elsewhere (friends, internet,…) and won't even dare to mention it with their parents. Your child may even have already had their **first sexual experiences**. To the difficult question of** when do we talk about sex with our children**, the answer is clear: when they ask you, the first question about sex must be answered without hesitation at home, because if we don't do it and we turn as red as a tomato, the message will be: this is a taboo topic and it's better not to ask. It is better to **talk about sex** with our children in the first years of their childhood. If at three years old our child asks us about our genitals, we will answer their question until their curiosity is satisfied, but there's no need to go running for the book either. If, at three or four years old, they ask us about the baby in some relative's tummy, they are handing it to us on a plate, this will be a good moment to grab the book and sit down with them. You'll see that they will ask you a million questions about their own birth, it's the moment to talk, to answer, to show them photos of mommy's tummy,… And what if it turns out that your child doesn't ask you any **question related to sex and is already 9 years old?** Well, you have to find the moment, any comment, any scene on TV, any pregnant woman or simply just because. You introduce the topic, you take out the book and enjoy a moment that probably none of you will forget. **We must not leave any question about sex unanswered and we must not lie**, these are the basic premises. Letting our child reach adolescence without having talked about sex before is a risk and above all we must convey to them the value it has and how important it is. **Always talk to them about sex-affectivity** because kisses, hugs and caresses are also sex. There are studies that show that adolescents who have talked about sex at home tend to take longer to have **their first sexual relationship**, have safer sexual relationships and feel less pressured by their peer group. And, although at first it is hard to talk about sex with our children, with time and practice it becomes easier and easier and we will reach adolescence being able to talk about any topic related to sex-affectivity without problems, thus ensuring that the information they receive is the correct one. If you wish to contact us you can do so by [clicking here](/en/contact/)