# The Grieving Process in Children > Throughout our lives we suffer losses of various kinds. Whether through the death of a loved one, a divorce, the loss of a pet, loss... - **Author:** eugenia-olego · **Category:** Infantil - **Published:** 2015-04-05 · **Updated:** 2020-06-15 - **URL:** https://elteuespai.com/en/grieving-process-in-children/ - _Translation pending clinical review._ --- Throughout our lives we suffer losses of various kinds. Whether through the death of a loved one, a divorce, the loss of a pet, the loss of friends/classmates due to a move to another city, or a change of home. To face it and manage to overcome it, we have to go through a **grieving process** and thus free ourselves from the past in order to focus our energy on the present and be able to continue with our life moving forward. Grief lets out the emotions tied to the bond that has ended. The grieving process we are talking about is based on the attachment theory of *J. Bowlby*. According to this author's model, grief goes through certain phases. In any case, we must clarify that these phases do not have to occur in this order, but rather can happen in a disordered way. ## Denial Phase The person denies that the event happened, and expressions such as "I can't believe it", "this isn't real", etc. can be heard. It takes us some time to accept that the relationship has ended forever, especially if the bond is very strong. ## Rationalization Phase Here the person tries to find a coherent explanation for themselves of "why" the relationship ends or "why" someone has died. Rationalization is a common element we have as people, since it gives us security by understanding why they have gone. For example, for a believer, it is normal to hear expressions such as: "God took them and they are at peace". ## Protest Phase This is where **ANGER** appears. Feelings of anger toward the other person arise, protesting that what the other person did was not right. A lot of frustration appears here. ## Sadness Phase ![Grief in boys and girls](/images/blog/2015/04/proceso-de-duelo-en-nino.webp)In this phase the emotion of **SADNESS** emerges, which is the emotion of loss. This is where the person expresses their sadness through crying, and this is where they have no impediment to feeling and expressing. After this expression, we feel calm and inner peace. The support of someone we love at that moment helps us feel better. But this calm may end with more waves of crying until the emotion concludes. ## Fear Phase *What will become of me without that relationship?* Like all changes, there is always a **FEAR** behind it. We do not know what we are going to face when we become aware that the relationship has ceased. Here it is important that there be **emotional protection** that accompanies that person's fear; whether family, friends, or the therapist who helps to channel this emotion. ## Emotional Acceptance Phase Here the person manages, both cognitively and emotionally, to realize that the relationship has ended and is able to "say goodbye" to him/her. It helps a lot to write a farewell letter, expressing their feelings in it. ## Forgiveness Phase Sometimes there are moments of suffering in the relationship that we have accumulated as something we have not been able to forget. To turn the page, it is important that we can forgive it and not leave it as an outstanding debt. If this happens, the only thing that would occur is that we would still be hooked into the relationship. If we settle the debt, we are free to be able to evolve. ## Gratitude Phase At this point we should suggest to the person that they remember all those good moments they had with that relationship, thus being grateful for what they have learned from it, and sometimes inviting them to imagine a gift that symbolizes their gratitude toward them. ## New Attachments Phase This is where we can decide which relationship or relationships we are going to channel the energy into that we had been devoting to the one that ended. ## Grief in Children ![family death children](/images/blog/2015/04/muerte-familiar-ninos.webp)Just like adults, **children also suffer losses**, since they have relationships like we do. And like adults, children need to go through the same grieving process, obviously adapted to their age. We must be aware that if grief is already difficult for adults, for a child it is even more complicated. It is important here that the adult provides them with a correct understanding and good emotional protection in this process, so that getting through the path is much easier than that of an adult. The typical reaction of adults when a child has to face a loss is that "children don't notice", "they don't experience it the same way", "this isn't appropriate for him/her". But this is completely false. The child must go through the same procedure if we want them to overcome the loss, by having them express their feelings about it in order to keep moving through the phases and finally free themselves from their suffering. ### Ages: The concept of death is acquired around 6-7 years of age. Younger children think that death is something provisional and reversible. For this reason it is necessary to be patient and explain to them over and over what happened and what death means. In adolescents, although they are already almost adults, they do not quite have emotional maturity. That is why they need much more emotional support to get started with the painful grieving process. ## How Do We Break the News? We will give it to them with care and protection, letting the child gradually assimilate it, allowing them to express their emotion. And if at that moment we feel like crying, let us do it, since if we share the emotion with them it is easier for them to express it. ## How We Detect Their Suffering: - When we see symptoms of depression, sleeping problems, low self-esteem. - Learning problems or indifference in extracurricular activities. - Problems in family relationships. - Disruptive behaviors: fights, insults, etc. Increase in violent games (playing with guns, video games, etc.). In adolescents we may observe drug and/or alcohol abuse, risky sexual relationships, passive behaviors toward life, aggressive behaviors toward the family and/or others, etc. - Denial of the pain and avoidance of talking about the subject. ### Characteristics in Children: In the **denial phase**, many children seem to have understood that someone has gone (especially in the case of death). But after a few months they may ask "when will the person come back"; and this is where we realize that the child has not gotten over it. In the **protest phase**, children may express their anger through violent games, nightmares, irritability, etc. The child will often show their anger toward members of their family, since they may blame some member for the loss of the other, or this anger also appears because behind it there is a fear of losing this family member. Here, although it hurts to talk about it, we must provide children with different tools (channeling the anger into a cushion, a drawing, a letter, ...) so that they express their emotions; they need to get it out. In the **rationalization phase** it is essential that the child knows what death is. We tend to make death a taboo subject, and in reality it is a natural process that we people have to go through sooner or later; therefore, if they understand it this way, it will help to better understand the loss. There are countless stories that make it easier to better understand death. **Sadness and fear** will appear frequently during the development of grief, and what the child needs is for us to be there protecting them and not to disqualify their emotion.![psychologist specializing in grief](/images/blog/2015/04/como-afrontar-la-muerte-de-ser-querido-un-los-nino.webp) The way they express their sadness is not like that of adults, but rather we observe character changes, frequent mood changes, learning problems, alterations in eating and sleep, etc. Other times they may show a lack of interest and motivation, disconnection, they stop talking, etc. They may even sometimes complain about not being loved and show rejection toward others. Or, on the contrary, they constantly seek affection, to the point of becoming a dependency. Sometimes they express their pain through games, which are related to playing at dying or being sick. It is advisable that we express to children that we feel fear, anger, sadness when we lose a loved one; this way they can come to understand what is happening to them if we explain our real experiences to them. For **emotional acceptance, forgiveness, and gratitude** we should do a "farewell ritual" so that the child closes the chapter with the loved one. For example, we can tell them to make a farewell drawing for that person and "send it" in any form, or a letter telling them the good memories they have shared together. We can also make an album or a box to keep the photos, drawings, and mementos of that relationship. Every time an adult overcomes a grieving process, they are able to anchor themselves again in the present and move forward in their life. With children the exact same thing happens, but adding that we are the ones responsible for ensuring that the grief is handled in the most satisfactory way possible. 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