# Grandpa is gone. How do we talk about death with our children? > There are topics that are hard to talk about with your child, not because they won't understand, but because I don't know how to explain it. One of... - **Author:** mireia-navarro-vera · **Category:** Infantil - **Published:** 2017-02-23 · **Updated:** 2017-02-24 - **URL:** https://elteuespai.com/en/grandpa-is-gone-how-to-talk-about-death-with-children/ - _Translation pending clinical review._ --- There are topics that are **difficult to talk** about with your child, not because they won't understand them, but because **I don't know how I'm supposed to explain it.** One of them is **death**: **how do I tell my child that grandpa has died?** Traditionally, psychology has underestimated children's ability to understand concepts that are fundamental to grasping death, such as **irreversibility, universality and causality. Recent research points out that children are indeed able to understand that death is an ending** (irreversible), **that it affects everyone** (universal) **and that it has to do with the cessation of bodily functions** (causality). So these are the elements we should include in our explanation. In addition, we must keep firmly in mind that **in childhood, their thinking is not rational** like ours, **it is magical thinking**, where everything is possible (that wolves come in through the window, that monsters live under the bed…) **and they have a literal understanding**, that is, they **still don't really understand metaphors,** which is why we should be careful with phrases like: grandpa is just sleeping. Without realizing it, we could create a fear of going to sleep. We must not betray the truth; if we lie, they won't trust us. Having to tell the truth doesn't necessarily mean we have to be blunt or insensitive. **What we shouldn't do is say nothing**, give no explanation at all. **There are parents who**, in order to protect their children from bad moments and negative emotions, **deceive them: “they've gone on a trip”**. Avoiding talking to them about these topics to protect them is a mistake. What children need is security. If we don't talk about something, their fear and anxiety will grow all the same. They will see that something is going on, that everyone is sad, and they won't understand why. ## So then how do I tell them? ![cemetery](/images/blog/2017/02/227362-775-516-cementerio-300x200.webp) ### First the explanation: Your explanation should contain the three basic concepts of death: - Irreversibility - Universality - Causality And it **could be something like this:** *”Grandpa has been very ill, you already know that. His heart was old and could no longer beat any longer (concept of causality, death happens for a reason). We are all very sad because we know that when someone dies they are no longer going to come back (concept of irreversibility and universality), although we will always have their memory and together we will get through the sorrow.”* This is just an example; each family should say it in its own way. I'm simply giving it to you so you can see how a short explanation can contain all three concepts. **We can also use stories** to help us explain it to them better. Those of you who read our articles already know that we always use **stories** with children, **they are a great tool for the youngest ones to understand the world around them**. Here are a few: I'll Always Love You (from age 5. For the loss of a pet) Where Is Grandpa? (From age 4. Loss of a grandparent) Forever (from age 4) (Loss of a father or mother) Mom Has Gone Away (from age 9) And finally a book for parents and teachers ### Then the rituals **Rituals have always helped us move through important phases of the life cycle**. We celebrate them because they give us strength to take steps: weddings, burials,…**Our ancestors already did them** and the fact is that human beings need them. **They are a great way to say goodbye to someone we love.** If the boy or girl asks us to go to the funeral home, we will allow it. **If there is a terminal illness, it would be good to let them know so they can say goodbye while the person is still alive.** **If the boy or girl is too young to go to the funeral home, we will offer to take them to the mass or to the cemetery once it has all passed.** If we give them the opportunity to take part in some way in the farewell ritual, we will help them begin to work through the grief. ### And finally the grieving ![funeral](/images/blog/2017/02/funeral-300x205.webp) Express feelings without fear or shame. Sadness is the best way to work through a loss. As the emotion that it is, it always serves a function, and its function is to keep us turned inward, in our pain, so that for a moment the world stops and lets us cry. To help our child in this process, the only thing we need to do is convey to them - **Security** (even though this has happened, we are here and everything will be okay, nothing will change and we will carry on) - **A space to express feelings** (if I express mine, they will understand that they too can do so; if I talk about death and about how I feel, it is easier for my child to do so as well) - **Love and affection** (displays of affection at these moments are one of the best remedies) Children usually work through grief well; you can see our article the [**grieving process in children**](/en/grieving-process-in-children/) for more information on this topic. With the family's help, as a general rule, children grieve well and do not need professional help. Sometimes, when the loss is very significant, such as the death of the mother or the father or both, psychological intervention is indispensable. ## Conclusions **We should talk about death naturally**, it cannot be a taboo topic at home. **If a loss has also occurred in the family, we must tell the children, they cannot live apart from** that experience. They **deserve an explanation** that does not betray the truth, appropriate to their age **and they need to take part in the process** in some way, to feel part of it. **Accompany them in the grieving,** expressing your emotions, crying with them if necessary and giving them the security they so badly need, and everything will be okay.