# Discover which authority model you have at home and its consequences > When we get home in the afternoon, all of us parents take on the same battle: homework, shower, dinner and off to bed. And it isn't always achieved on the first try.... - **Author:** mireia-navarro-vera · **Category:** Adultos - **Published:** 2016-09-25 · **Updated:** 2016-09-25 - **URL:** https://elteuespai.com/en/discover-which-authority-model-you-have-at-home-and-its-consequences/ - _Translation pending clinical review._ --- When we get home in the afternoon, **all of us parents take on the same battle:** homework, shower, dinner and off to bed. And it isn't always achieved on the first try. **It's our job to enforce the rules**. **Tell me how you command and I'll tell you how they'll be.** **Depending on the authority model you use at home, that's how your children will be as adults.** **Ana is 12 years old** and when she gets home after music, she knows it's time to rest but only for a short while because she has to do her homework. Her parents tell her she has to get started on her homework already but **today she's tired and dawdles, in the end she earns a punishment and that night she won't be able to watch her favorite show.** She fills up with rage and little willingness to cooperate and that afternoon's war is guaranteed. **Pedro is a 10-year-old boy** and gets home after his extracurricular activity, his parents are affectionate and the first thing he receives are kisses. **They tell him to rest for 5 minutes** and that afterwards he should start doing his homework. After the 5 minutes are up, he keeps resting, he doesn't feel like getting started on homework at all. His parents warn him that he must start now or it will get late, after 5 more minutes, Pedro still hasn't started. **His mother goes into his room and stays there until Pedro sits down at his desk to do his tasks, holding firm with the order she gave him.** **María is 11 years old** and when she gets home after swimming, her parents remind her that she must do her homework. She is tired and doesn't want to do it. She asks them to watch TV for a while to rest and they let her. They remind her of the homework again later and María gets angry and tells them she's tired.** To avoid getting into an argument, María's parents let her keep watching TV all afternoon.** Three homes, three families and three ways of exercising authority. ## 1. Authoritarian Model and its consequences. ![authoritarian model](/images/blog/2016/09/modelo-autoritario-300x225.webp)Ana's family** resorts to punishment right away**. It is an authoritarian model where **what** **matters is compliance with the rules.** The parents' role is to enforce the rules and they neglect other roles (affection, flexibility, communication). Punishment is frequent and the battles get stronger and stronger. The most experienced emotions are those of** rage and helplessness.** They end up with little desire to do things because they always end up getting scolded. An **emotional distancing** occurs. In the long run two effects can occur: **that they rebel against everything imposed** and become incapable of following rules **or, on the contrary, that they live repressed and incapable of deciding for themselves.** **This style generates discomfort and conflictive situations.** Adolescence is usually difficult because the rebelliousness is greater. All the accumulated anger and rage explodes at this stage. As adults, there is usually quite a bit of emotional distance with the parents. ## 2. Firm authority model Pedro's family usually welcomes him with affection. **The first encounter is positive**, they don't greet with an order,** they give preference to wellbeing and that's why they propose a rest**. When they see that after a couple of warnings, Pedro doesn't obey, they go to his room to **enforce the order firmly**. But** they don't use punishment right away**, they prefer to achieve it with firmness and insistence. They will save punishment for another, much more serious conflict.** It is a model of healthy authority**. The child recognizes the figure of their parents as a legitimate authority figure, a figure that protects them and shows them what is best for them. It helps them make good decisions. **When they set rules they stay firm but there is always space for affection, rest, communication and wellbeing.** Not everything revolves around following the rules. The child will become a **self-confident adult, capable of making decisions** and with a good **predisposition to comply with the rules of coexistence.** ## 3. Permissive model María's family **does not set limits and gives in to the girl's requests**. How much she feels like doing things will be the parameter for making decisions. The child is left vulnerable to **the lack of protection and does not learn to postpone their desires**. A child without limits is like a ship without a compass, they don't know where they're going and feel lost. Furthermore, since they don't know what is expected of them nor what they should do at each moment,** they feel anxiety. Knowing what others expect of us gives us security, which is why these children grow up insecure and anxious.** They will be **adults who let themselves be guided by their desire to do things** (right now I don't feel like it or right now I do feel like it) which will fill them with dissatisfaction. **They will struggle to keep a routine and to make sacrifices** for something. They will be **intolerant of frustration** and incapable of thinking about what is best in the long term, letting themselves be carried away by what they feel in the moment. ### Conclusions **One of our functions as parents is to set limits and enforce the rules.** First we start with the basic rules of hygiene and feeding: eat, brush your teeth, it's bedtime, time to shower etc… When we've almost got those down, it's time to start with the others: do your homework, prepare your backpack, tidy your room… Then we keep setting a curfew for getting home and an allowance. And so we spend most of our life as parents, setting limits and enforcing rules. Teaching our children to coexist and to maintain healthy living routines. That's why it is so important that we know how to do it well because** if we use authoritarianism out of fear of disobedience, we'll be fighting with our children most of the day **and if we choose to** not fight and let them do whatever they want, we don't fulfill our mission.** That's why, **we're only left with the option of a firm and affectionate authority**, where there is space for communication and affection but where **the rules are enforced firmly**. [You don't need to shout](/en/5-reasons-to-stop-yelling-at-your-children/) or punish for every rule to get them to comply, try standing next to your child with a serious face and firmness until they do what you've told them and you'll see how without shouting and without punishing you achieve it. [Save **the punishments**](/en/10-keys-to-using-punishment-well/) for more complex situations.