# Authority Through Respect VS Authority Through Fear. What authority do you want in your home? > We have all heard phrases like these at some point: - **Author:** mireia-navarro-vera · **Category:** Adultos - **Published:** 2016-04-24 · **Updated:** 2016-04-30 - **URL:** https://elteuespai.com/en/authority-through-respect-vs-authority-through-fear/ - _Translation pending clinical review._ --- We have all heard phrases like these at some point: > *“ This didn't happen before, my father gave me a slap and that was the end of the argument”* > > *“ A timely slap prevents many problems”* > > *“ I'll put a quick stop to this”* These are just a few examples of **an authority imposed through fear.** Being a parent already carries **power** intrinsically. **My child depends on me** on every level: food, education, affection, and survival. I don't think there is a greater power than this. Therefore, the fear of losing that support is great, and the desire to please your parents is too. In all the years I have been doing this, there have been very few cases, if any, in which **the child's misbehavior** is due to not wanting to please their parents; usually it is the opposite, **they desperately seek their attention.** So, starting from this premise, in which the power is ours and they are always trying to please us, being a parent should be very easy. Well, it is not easy at all, and sometimes there is **a misuse of this power**, whether by excess or by deficiency, **from authoritarianism to permissiveness**. We must seek balance: a **positive authority** based on respect and reinforcement and not on fear,[ shouting and disproportionate punishment](/en/10-keys-to-using-punishment-well/). **But this authority** takes effort, it is not achieved overnight. **It requires sacrifice and persistence.** I put it into practice every day and I don't always succeed, but if, like me, you want to raise your children in the best way, I will give you some keys to guide you. And although there will be moments when you don't succeed, don't feel bad about it; it is the normal experience for anyone who tries to raise their children every day. **There are no perfect parents, only involved parents.** ## How do I achieve positive authority? ### Always set limits A child **needs their parents to set limits** for them; it is the way to learn what is right and what is wrong. **A child without limits is like a ship without a compass**, they don't know where they are heading, they don't know what is expected of them, nor what they should do, and therefore **they drift aimlessly**. But to set them you have to know how: - **Few limits** are better than many (if we have too many it will be difficult to enforce them all, better to have few and important ones) - **Clear** (it is no use saying “behave well”; what does behaving well mean? It is very generic, the child does not understand it. It is better **to say what they have to do in the most concrete way possible**: hold the fork like this; when your grandparents come I would like you not to run and shout like the other day…) - **Appropriate to their age** (small limits for small children) - **Consistent** (if something is not done, it is never done; if I don't let them jump on the sofa, I don't let them under any circumstances) - **Agreed upon** (it is something we should discuss with our partner, deciding together what limits I am going to set) - **We must make sure they have understood them** (we should explain them well, we should be clear and concise, **no more than 10 words** and then we ask them if they have understood) The limits I must always enforce, that is why it is better to have few. Whatever is most important to you in your children's upbringing, that is what should be a limit; whatever you believe is not so essential, it is better not to set it. You are not going to spend all day limiting your child, it would be exhausting!!!! ### If you give an order, enforce it ![orders must be enforced](/images/blog/2016/04/disciplina.webp)**When I give an order** to my child, whatever it is, **I must enforce it**. Something that seems so logical is often not done. Let's look at a concrete example: - *Juan brush your teeth* (the mother says from the kitchen) And Juan, who is watching television, doesn't even reply. - *Juan, your teeth* (the mother says shouting) And Juan still doesn't reply. - *Juan, I'm not going to repeat it again, brush your teeth* (shouting louder) - *I'll go now* (says Juan without getting up from the sofa) In the end the mother gives up or starts doing something else and forgets. Juan goes to bed without brushing his teeth. What we convey to our children **every time we give an order that they don't follow**, is that orders don't have to be followed, and **our authority plummets**. It is very important that we are clear about this. Continuing with the previous example, with which surely many parents will identify, we can see the **mistakes** that are made: - **Giving an order from afar,** what we should do is go over to the sofa to tell them so we can make sure they are paying attention to us. - **Not insisting until it is enforced:** when verbal orders don't work, they have to be made physical, that is, accompanying Juan to the bathroom and making sure he brushes his teeth. There is no need to drag him by force or with shouting; being firm is enough. ### Give them time to learn **All learning takes time**. I'm sure you didn't learn to drive in one day!! But with our children, we often forget this. One of our roles as parents is to **create habits**, no easy task at all (brushing their teeth, eating properly, going to sleep on their own,…) **Learning to navigate life takes time**. With **patience and persistence** we will get our children to learn anything. ### Reward a lot, punish little When I say reward, **I am not referring to material rewards**, rather they are **positive reinforcements**. **Tell them how proud you are of him or her**. Share their success with the rest of the family. Do something special for him or her when they achieve what was so hard for them. But above all let them know that **their perseverance and their desire to do things well is what you like and fills you with pride**. Let them know **that you see what they do well** and not only what they do wrong. **When I reinforce good behavior I tell them exactly what they should do,** when I punish I only tell them what is wrong but I leave them with no option for a correct response. **Punishment generates distress and anger**, with these emotions in motion **it is difficult to make learning happen**; all their attention will focus on the punishment and on the resentment, and they will be incapable of learning anything, at least at first. By this I don't mean that punishment should not be used; we will need it at some point. What I always tell parents: **“You have 5 cards which are the 5 punishments you can use throughout your child's life, use them wisely because you still have adolescence ahead of you”** ### Avoid lectures ![Avoid lectures](/images/blog/2016/04/Hombre-dando-un-discurso.webp)**When your child knows perfectly well what they should do** (because they have already done that learning, we have already been patient, we have already set the limit in a short and clear way, and we have done everything step by step) **but they don't do it, avoid the sermon, it is time to act.** Sermons are of very little use, especially considering the **attention span** that **our children have, which is equal to 10 words or 10 seconds** (from ages 2 to 10 more or less). Anything we tell them beyond that will go completely unnoticed. That is why, when they disobey deliberately, we must act without hesitation. Correcting the behavior as much as possible. How? - **Warning**: “if you keep doing this, you will have these consequences” (7 words). When I warn, I give them the opportunity to behave well. I give them an option to respond. Direct punishment gives no option for a correct response. - **Counting to three:** “stop jumping on the sofa, I'm counting to three, 1, 2 and 3” (10 words) If they don't obey, you take them by the hand and make them get down, and then you warn them the next time you do it I will punish you. - **Always following through on the warning.** If after warning, or after counting and warning, the behavior persists, I will follow through with what I said without any exception. That way the next time they will know that I mean it when I warn. ### Trust your child **Trust in their desire to behave well** and to do things the way you have taught them. Children want to please their parents, don't forget that. Behind bad behavior there are not always bad intentions (“he does this to annoy me” “he does it because he knows what bothers me”…). **Trust also in their abilities and help them grow in their virtues and improve on their flaws. Positive authority** is grounded in **respect and trust**. I will gladly accept the authority of a boss who gives me confidence, who tells me my good points and not only the bad ones, who instills respect in me by who they are, and whom I admire for their know-how. ### You must be a model of behavior They will hardly do something that you don't do. That is why **practice what you preach**. Without coherence between words and actions we will hardly achieve anything, only confuse them. **Acknowledge your mistakes too.** Parents acknowledging a mistake gives the child security and peace of mind and **encourages them to make decisions even if they might be wrong,** because **mistakes are not failures**, but errors, and this is a lesson you can only teach by example. There is nothing wrong with being wrong, and much less with admitting it. That is what we should do, up to this point. It doesn't seem complicated, but in day-to-day life, fulfilling all 7 points is not always so simple, and sometimes we make mistakes. ## Most frequent mistakes: ### Permissiveness We parents are responsible for guiding our children and teaching them what is right and what is wrong. We are not born with that ability to discern. Children need limits in order to learn. ### Giving in when I have said no **A no must always be a NO**. And they must do this learning quickly. **It is the foundation of positive authority**, that my child knows that when I say no it means no, and it will do them no good to insist or misbehave because **there are non-negotiable things.** Later **there will be things that can be negotiated, but with those I will not have told them no,** first I will have listened to them and we will have decided either yes or no or somewhere in between. That is why **we must think carefully before saying NO** to something, because **once it is done, there is no going back**. If I punish I must follow through. If I set a limit I always enforce it. I must be consistent with what I say and **follow through on both promises and threats.** ### Authoritarianism It is the other side of the coin. It seeks **obedience for obedience's sake,** without taking the child into account. It is the “**because I say so**” and “**when I say so**”. It seeks **submission** and **that they comply with all the rules without complaint.** This type of upbringing will never produce autonomous adults with strong self-esteem and the capacity for decision-making. It nullifies the personality. ### Losing your temper We are human and **we have all lost our temper at some point.** But this **is no excuse for losing it always**. When I am at my worst, because I come home tired, irritable, and I have no patience, what I usually do is let my husband handle saying no or setting the limits, and when I see that he is the one who can't, I tell him “let me take over since you are tired.” That way we avoid losing our temper. When they don't fulfill their responsibilities or don't obey, we can easily lose our nerve and SHOUT. But you already know that shouting responds more to my frustration and my irritability than to my desire to be a good parent. (link to the post on shouting) ### Not listening or negotiating In a session of the School for Mothers and Fathers, they told me: “ Our son kept climbing onto the chair over and over, first I told him with kind words, then I went to take him down patiently, like this up to 4 times but there was no way, I got very upset, I shouted at him and punished him” . And I said to her **“did you ask him at any point why he wanted to climb onto that chair?”** Many times **we don't even give them the opportunity to express themselves**. It turns out that this child wanted to grab a toy and that is why he kept climbing onto the chair over and over; he got a shout and a punishment, and his parents got upset. Especially when **they saw that they could have avoided the conflict just by** **listening to him.** **Listen to your children**, give them the opportunity to explain themselves before you let out that NO that you will then have to enforce to the letter. Because **perhaps their explanation will convince you to say YES** and avoid an unnecessary conflict. And **negotiate,** let them **decide things they can decide,** or **make decisions together**. This way you will avoid the “because I say so and when I say so”. That is our post for today, I hope it serves you in your day-to-day. I keep learning every day, and this is my corner for reflection and my way of sharing it with all of you.