# 5 reasons to stop yelling at your children and 10 keys to achieve it > Most parents think they should stop yelling at their children but then, without even realizing it, they catch themselves resorting again and... - **Author:** mireia-navarro-vera · **Category:** Infantil - **Published:** 2020-04-27 · **Updated:** 2020-06-22 - **URL:** https://elteuespai.com/en/5-reasons-to-stop-yelling-at-your-children/ - _Translation pending clinical review._ --- ![5 reasons to stop yelling at your children el teu espai](/images/blog/2015/02/5-razones-para-dejar-de-gritar-a-tus-hijos-el-teu-espai.webp) Most parents think they should **stop yelling at their children** but then, without even realizing it, they catch themselves resorting again and again **to yelling**. It seems that our children do not obey until, fed up with repeating the same order, **we yell it at them**. It is true that **yelling grabs their attention** at first, but in the long run it will stop having an effect, and then what will we do? **Yell louder, yell longer, live by yelling?** ## Is it possible to raise children without yelling? I also leave you my explanation on video https://youtu.be/maRJYGFUC_Q **Of course it is**. In fact, it should be our choice. Our children have learned not to obey until they see us really angry, and this is a bad habit they have acquired. Therefore, **it is a habit we must make disappear and replace with a healthier one. Yelling trains our children not to listen until we raise our voice.** The more we use it, the more we train them, and the harder it will be to get them to obey **without needing to yell.** **Stopping yelling is not easy** because it requires having great self-control over **our emotions**, especially the anger and rage that seeing our children's daily disobedience generates in us. It is a training that takes time. First we will learn to stop ourselves a minute into **shouting**, but little by little, we will be able to stop before we even start to **yell**, it is a matter of setting our minds to it, it is a matter of adding it to the list of goals for 2021. And so that you do as I do and put this wish on your list, I am going to give you **5 reasons to raise children without yelling that will convince you:** ### 1. Yelling turns children into deaf people Any explanation or learning that we want to give them **through yelling will be useless**, because our children's ears close automatically after hearing it. **After a negative interaction, no one is willing to listen with real attention** and with the desire to learn and improve; that is only achieved through positive interactions. If we want to make our children better, we will not achieve it by **yelling**. Yelling is an **aggressive response, not an assertive one,** which provokes a similar response in the person who hears it. Perhaps, in childhood they will not respond by yelling, but it is only a matter of time before they too use yelling as a response. ### 2. Yelling does not help to manage emotions **We are an example of behavior for our children.** When we lose control and **yell**, what we teach them is to manage **anger and rage with aggressiveness.** We will end up with teenagers full of rage who **yell** and lose control in the face of the explosion of emotions that occurs at that developmental stage. If we help our children to manage it in another way, **with self-control**, calmly, talking openly about emotions at home, they will learn to give more appropriate responses to anger and rage. **If you hear yelling, you learn to yell.** Managing emotions like anger or rage is not easy at all. In fact, it is likely that no one taught many of us to do it. That is why, sometimes, **it is very difficult for us to control ourselves and not yell**. In the end, it is a learning process that we also have to undertake. ### 3. Yelling frightens our children They **feel fear** at first and then **rage and helplessness**. Is fear what we want our children to feel? Surely not; our intention **when we yell is for them to obey**, to learn, to do the right thing, to respect us, etc... but we do not want to cause them fear. Therefore, with our attitude we do not achieve the effect we want: respect is earned by respecting, obedience is earned with patience, **learning requires time and effort** and whether they do the right thing will largely depend on our own behavior. ### 4. Yelling pushes them away **Every time we yell at them**, we lay a stone of a wall that separates us. **We lose positive authority**, we lose respect, we lose communication, we gain distance, we gain coldness in relationships, **we gain more yelling and we gain emotional distress.** ### 5. The more yelling, the less self-esteem **Raising children by yelling has a disastrous effect on our children's self-esteem**. Far from feeling that we are proud of their achievements and efforts, what they feel is that they never measure up; no matter what they do, **the yelling always appears** and erases any feeling of having done something well. A yell has so much power that it can erase the praise we may have given throughout the day. Our child will only remember the yell and what they did wrong. That is why the feeling of never doing anything right increases. ## But how do we manage to stop yelling? ![Profile of a man shouting in anger against a dark background](/images/blog/2015/01/ira-dejar-de-gritar-300x199.webp) ### 1. Make a commitment It will be like a family pact where we commit to **stop yelling** and to speak with respect. We will tell our children that we are learning to do it and that they will have to help us, that it is likely we will make mistakes but that if they are patient we will do it better each time. ### 2. Our job as parents is to control our emotions By managing our emotions we teach them to control theirs. If we are a good example, they will be better. Therefore, we must start working on our emotions, on what we feel, what we transmit and how we control it. It is a training that **requires time and effort.** Working on our management of emotions is an unfinished task. It will make us better and it will make our children better. ### 3. Remember that children must act like children Hundreds of times I have heard parents say in consultation: - I have to tell him a thousand times to get dressed. Every morning is the same story. It is clear that he likes to see me angry. - How old is your child? - Five years old. I think he already knows what he has to do but he only thinks about playing. In response to this, I always say the same thing: what would really worry me is if you sat in that chair and told me that your five-year-old child dresses themselves every morning without you needing to remind them what to do. Because then there would surely be some problem. Children must play, that is what they are supposed to do at that age and we are the ones in charge of reminding them **of their obligations every day. It is our job as parents**. We are habit generators; every day we must remind them of the same things until they acquire the habit and then we will have to remind them of the next ones. It is a job that never ends. How long does it take to get our children to brush their teeth on their own without me reminding them? An average of 10-11 years. It is just an example of the patience one must have. ### 4. Stop gathering firewood When you have **a bad day**, any spark will light the fire. Give yourself a moment, do something that makes you feel better and stop gathering firewood for the fire. At some point you have to stop. Many of us come home stressed from work and do not have a single second to rest before we are already starting with the parental obligations. In the day to day we do not have time to disconnect and be able to come home without work stress. There are many parents who have commented this to me: if at least I had a moment for myself, maybe I could take better care of my children, but I do not have it. For all of you who feel this way, I recommend the [practice of mindfulness](/en/what-is-mindfulness-learn-to-put-it-into-practice/). ### 5. Offer empathy when your child expresses any emotion Any emotion, good or bad, **must be heard.** To show empathy we must make our child understand that we comprehend how they feel. This way they will learn to **accept their own feelings** which is the first step to learning to manage them. Once children can manage their emotions, they will be able to manage **their behavior too.** The child's brain is an immature brain that has not yet developed the capacity to empathize nor to manage emotions. We can help them in this process by talking about emotions at home, naming what they feel and helping them to regulate it. ### 6. Treat your child with respect When **children are treated with respect** they feel more eager to behave well and to treat others with respect. You simply must understand that your child deserves your respect more than anyone else. ### 7. When you get angry, STOP Stop, **close your mouth**. Do not do anything or make decisions. Breathe deeply. If you are already **yelling**, stop in the middle of the sentence. Do not continue until you are calm. Talking, punishing or acting when one is angry notably increases the probability of making bad decisions, **of yelling instead of talking**, of using **exaggerated punishments** that are not very educational and of acting disproportionately. We invite you to read our post [the 10 keys to using punishment well.](/en/10-keys-to-using-punishment-well/) ### 8. Breathe and become aware of your feelings When you get angry with your child and feel anger and rage, **move away from the situation if possible and breathe.** Wash your face and think about what lies beneath that anger, which is usually fear, sadness and disappointment. Give yourself space to feel it and cry if that is how you feel, then you will see how the anger disappears. **If both parents are present, you can help each other. If one of you loses control, the other can take the reins** by saying "let me, I'll take care of the children, you can go make dinner if you want". This way, the parent who is more nervous can leave the situation and calm down, and the parent who is calmer can redirect the situation that has arisen much better. ### 9. Find your own wisdom Analyze the situation objectively. Now that you no longer feel anger, it will be easier. Think about what you want to achieve and what the best way to do it is. **You want your child to obey you**, be patient and repeat the rule as many times as necessary, even help them physically to do it, take them by the hand and guide their steps. You want your child to respect you, teach them by example. **You want to raise your child well**, do it from recognition and from affection **not from yelling and punishment.** Set your goals and also set your steps. Learning requires time and patience; your child cannot learn everything on the first try, rather it is the opposite, they will not learn anything on the first try. ### 10. Adopt positive measures, find a quiet place We have all experienced those moments of tension at home, moments that generate great emotional distress and where every move only increases the tension. **Some yell, others cry, no one does what they should do** and it seems that nothing can stop that escalation of anger. What can we do? - Ask your child for **a time-out**: time out. One in each place until the anger fades. - **Apologize to them.** - Help your child manage the rage they feel, let them feel understood, explain to them that you also feel this way sometimes. - Find a quiet place to hide, under a big sheet to let the anger and rage pass by. This technique is to be used especially with young children. Forts for the little ones are safe places where we can hide from that rage. - Read one story after another, until the rage fades. It would be like using distraction techniques until the emotion gradually disappears. Sometimes, it is enough to take one step to help our child feel better for the anger to disappear. Emotion comes with physical sensations that are sometimes very powerful and that need time to disappear. It is about helping our children to regulate this curve, so that it decreases as soon as possible. Yelling does just the opposite, raising this curve to the maximum, making it harder for it to disappear. By helping our children to manage their emotions well, we will learn a lot about our own, and surely this will make us all much better. When I set out to be a better parent, I become a better person and I help my children to be better too. We all win if I decide to raise children without yelling. > Article updated on 04/27/2020 from its original publication on 01/06/2015 > Mireia Navarro If you would like more information, get in [contact with us](/)